Coaching with LDS values

Episode 113: When You Dislike Your Adult Child This is Bonnie Lyman and you're listening to the podcast Loving On Purpose, episode 100. And 13, when you dislike your adult child. Welcome to the podcast, Loving on Purpose. I'm your host, Bonnie Lyman. If you're having trouble navigating through your relationships with your adult children, if you are struggling to connect with them, or having Specific challenges, you're in the right place. Hello everyone, welcome to my podcast, Loving on Purpose. I'm excited to be with you this week to share Another perspective, perhaps on some of the things we deal with, with our adult children. I just want to say thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing my podcast. And thank you for anyone who has left me a review. And I know on iTunes, it's pretty easy to do. I'm not sure about the other platforms. I sent out an email a couple weeks ago could have been last week, listing five of my most listened to podcast, and I linked it to Buzzsprout, who I record my podcast through, and I may have given you the wrong link, one you could not If you're interested in hearing those podcasts, if you just go to BonnieLyman. com and go to my podcast page, you can find them all online. So, today we're going to talk about when we openly admit that we dislike one of our adult children, or maybe it's all of them, but it's about So, when we are just really struggling with liking this child for various reasons. So first of all, there, we'll, we'll get down to the nitty gritty, the cause of that dislike. But, we'll, there's always a circumstance that is happening that may cause you to dislike. One of your adult children. So here are some of the reasons that some of my clients have been dealing with. One thing, or I at least will try to point out, they don't necessarily think of right away, is our, our difference in Our DNA, because we are not exactly the same, we have different personalities. And so sometimes our personalities could be so much alike that there gets to be a competitiveness there that could cause some contention, or they are just complete opposite. And one thing that comes to my mind is one may be very talkative and chatty and the other would prefer to have less detailed and be more concise in their conversation. I just think of I think we all have people that we dislike. And there are some people, I just, just maybe some of their word choices or how they talk. They laugh at the end of every phrase or sentence they say that It can be irritating to me enough where I say, I don't like being around that person. Do I really dislike that person? No, I guess I can't say that, but it, it causes me to pull away. So, that's one of the reasons is differences in personalities mainly or maybe too much similarity. Another reason mentioned is that their child mocks their values. They just don't not live their values, the values they were raised, but they actually will mock their parents for make fun of them. Or for adhering to some values. that they just don't go along with. And so they can dislike their child for their relentless mocking. You know, maybe you just don't like them. I mean, you could make a list of all the reason, and it just, it goes on too long of all the things that you're disappointed. In them. In. Another thing, maybe, is that they criticize you repeatedly. And that causes you to dislike them or not to want to be around them. Another reason is possibly they ignore you. They don't share anything with you. When they get a new car, when they change jobs I even know of somebody who didn't tell their parents. That they were expecting till after they had a baby, and this causes resentment, which can lead to actually expressing that they dislike their child. Another one may be. They are a free loader. Perhaps they're staying in your house. And they, they live there and behave as if they're five or six years old. And they're expecting gas money. They're expecting you to wash their clothes. They're just expecting you to feed them. So this can cause some dislike. Another reason that was brought up, why my clients have sometimes said that they dislike, They resent that their child has told them that they believe they were loved less than the other children in the family. Another one. is, you're just outright feeling like you're being used by your adult children. That they're, they're taking advantage of you and To care for their children, and that's the only time they have any involvement with you. But the real reason why we dislike our children when we fall into that type of situation, it's not about them. And what they do, they can't make us dislike them. And we were raised to think it was the happenings in our life that caused us to have certain feelings, and in this case, dislike for a child. But it always comes back to our thoughts. And so we just need to own it. We don't have to start liking them if we don't want to, but we do need to take the responsibility that it is all on us and it is our choice whether to like this child or not. So, we We don't even necessarily want to move maybe too quickly out of dislike, but just kind of sit with that and process that feeling for a while before we. So, I want to share with you some remedies of how you can start liking your child again, even though they do so many things that cause you pain. to feel hurt, but I need to reword that because they cannot hurt you. It's your thoughts about their behavior. So we'll say some remedies. Of when they do things that trigger you to have thoughts that cause you to dislike them. But as I mentioned, it is so, so important that we go back to and remember that it is. In our minds, it is our thoughts, it is our meaning that we're putting to the actions that is, is causing us to dislike them. And as long as you take that responsibility, you're, I mean, you can stay there as long as you want of disliking them, because, I mean, if I, if I had a child, That was continually criticizing me every time I was around them. It almost gets to be too much work to coach myself to come up with I don't even have to take it personally that they're criticizing me. I can understand that maybe their whole life is unhappy because the way somebody acts always tells more about how they feel about themselves than how they feel about themselves. about me or you. But I have to own it that it's my thoughts. We just have to keep coming back to that on any feeling that we feel, or we're just going to end up stuck in situations. That we don't like the feeling that it gives to us, where there is always a way out. So, number one is to, you know, a remedy is, well, number one is recognizing your thoughts. And then number two, Why, let's say you dislike them so much that you don't want to be around them. So I'm going to say, what is your reason for disliking them so much that you don't want to be around them? And secondly, do you like your reason? And long term, does it make the pain go away? Now, that is one way of. Instead of changing our thoughts. We remove the circumstance, but we're talking about a child here, and I think most of you listening to my podcast or reaching out to me for help are wanting to have a better relationship, but I've had many a consult where they have just given up and I've They have written their child off and have decided not to have anything to do with them because of how they are being treated. So these are going to be some new thoughts that I'm going to be giving you that are remedies to help you to start liking your child better. If this child weren't your child. What would you find to like about them, and would you take the time to find something that you liked about them? So one way is to recognize something in your child that you admire. Can you stop seeing what your child isn't doing? Or, stop seeing your child for what they aren't and start seeing them for who they really are. And I would say, a child of God, and there is nothing any of us can do or our children can do that will lose that value that they are born with of, of this actual being a child of God, can you accept with having the right thoughts that this relationship is just different than any one, any relationship that you have? with any of your other children. I have five children, and every relationship in how much I see them how much openly love is shown or expressed to me, they're all different. But I don't make it mean that one loves me more. Another thought to have is to try to understand the struggles they are going through in their life. And I've mentioned this before, but they are having struggles that we never had. In fact, a client was saying today that back when, when, Not everybody had a cell phone when you had to call long distance, it costs extra money that in her life, it was very common that They only spoke with each other every month or two, but now with the easy access of getting a hold of each other through emails or texts or phone calls or you know, whatever our expectations are higher and when If we have these expectations that are unfulfilled, then we get disappointed and it can sometimes lead into having thoughts that cause you to dislike. So, you know, it's, it's looking at things that nothing has gone wrong. Their style is different than yours. But when I think about those that I've worked with that actually dislike their child, their children's behavior has been such that has caused them to have unkind thoughts, judgmental thoughts, maybe because the behavior is so continuous, as I mentioned before, that they, they can't keep up with the work of trying to find. something compassionate about being around them. And I read so many places where they talk about enhancing your emotional health is to be around positive people. And so, again, our choice may be to remove Another remedy, another thought to have is how would you want to feel if if they treated you, or how would you feel if you, if they treated you the way you wanted them to treat you? What thoughts would you have them, and try to have those thoughts? Another question is, why do you want them to change who they are? You can't change their behavior. And their hurtful behavior, their behavior that is causing you To have hurtful thoughts is only an indication. That they are hurting is we have to let go of the thought, I try and I try and nothing changes. We're not in this. We don't choose to like a person because we get. a reward or we get positive feedback from them. I do believe that we, that love always wins. The more love, and yeah, it's going to be It's got to come from love, the more love we show our kids from a feeling of love, the more loving thoughts, I guess would be a better way to express it, that we can have toward our children. And tell them often the things we think are great and wonderful about them, that we can influence them to perhaps feel better about themselves. And in feeling better about themselves, they change the way they treat you. When we love another person, love rewards itself. Loving always feels better than disliking another person. And when we love a person. And we show up with love. We live without any regrets of having wished we had not said or done something. I believe dealing with difficult children, if that's the situation you are in, was an experience you were supposed to go through to be and involve into the person. that you were meant to be. I thank you again for listening, and I'll be back talking to you next week, and I hope you have a great one. If you liked this, this episode, and you felt it was of benefit to you, I ask you to share it with somebody that perhaps it could also benefit. But if you're still feeling kind of stuck in that you don't know, How to apply what was talked about or where to start on unchanging your thoughts, unchanging your perspective, on bettering your relationship. Get on a call with me and we can have a discussion. I can tell you how to apply it and where we start and then you get to decide. What you want to do about this relationship that maybe you're struggling with, with your adult children. There's no reason to go on the rest of our lives struggling with our relationships, with our adult children. Let's assume the best. Let's assume that we all love each other and we're just trying to figure out how to maintain our own boundaries and respect another one's. But I can help you with everything. So just go to BonnieLyman. com and book a call. I can't wait to hear from you. .