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Episode #44:
Wanting vs Needing

Bonnie Lyman
Most of us have desires in some area of our adult children's life where we would like them to be different. We most often express an unfulfilled expectation as "I want them to change. I want things different than how things really are in our relationship." It might be wanting your children to spend equal time between the two sets of parents when they are in town; it might be wanting them to get a job; it might be as minor as you wanting them to return a text. But when we feel stuck and hurt in not getting what we want, maybe that want is a need; but you are responsible for fulfilling your needs. You feel you need them to change for you to feel the way you want to feel. This can lead to unhealthy relationships because we have become dependent on our children to fulfill our needs which they don't have the power to do. They feel your neediness, so they react by not wanting to be around you. Your neediness can be overbearing and judgmental. It's healthy and fine to want them to act a certain way, as long as you are ok with them when the use their agency in the way they want to use it. Listen to find out how to have a happier life by wanting and not needing.

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