Episode 70 Be the Type of Person You Want to be on Purpose
Welcome to the podcast, loving On Purpose. I'm your host, Bonnie Lyman. If you're having trouble navigating through your relationships with your adult children, if you are struggling to connect with them or having specific challenges, you're in the right place. This is episode 70 B, the type of person. You want to be on purpose?
Hello my friends. I can feel you over there. Literally, I can't. Thanks for tuning in for another week. I have such fun coming up with these topics and I get it all from you guys in your comments. So if there's something you would like me to address, I'd love to hear from you. So we're gonna talk about being, becoming, or staying the type of person you want to be, but I want it to be on purpose.
I want you to intentionally be that person and, um, we're gonna talk about how. To be the person you wanna be. We just don't show up one day kind and another day angry. I mean, we can, but there's intentionality. We know it's our feelings that cause our actions. And you should by now, remember that you can control your feelings by your thoughts.
So, Let's first decide what kind of person are you and do you like that person? Are you one that focuses on what's going right, or are you a little pessimistic? Do you worry a lot? Do you focus on the problem and not the solution? All of those affect our mental health. All of those affect how well we like ourselves and how comfortable people are being around us.
Would you like to be more in control of the ups and downs of your emotions? Would you like to see the glass half full or maybe even full? And when we see it full, we're accepting all of ourselves, all of life. And we have an understanding that things happen that we like and that we don't like, which we don't have control over the things happening, but we have control over how we wanna feel about it.
There isn't a right or wrong type of person, but you may want to grow in such a way that helps you manages your challenges in life in a more confident, hopeful way that provides you with a more content life. I'm gonna discuss the three kinds of people. That I see these three kinds of people as, and what needs to be identified and how to make a change.
But first you have to decide, do you even wanna be a different person? Do you wanna feel better more of the time than what you're feeling? There are actually people out there that don't you ever heard us talk about. Some people aren't unhappy unless they're unhappy, but or, or they think they want, they don't want to feel any better because it's either too hard or they don't know how to go about feeling any different.
And that's okay too. So I'm gonna give you an analogy about my friend Sylvia, who was an old, old friend many years ago, and we lived in Colorado Springs and her husband drank a lot and he would come home and she never had to go to the hospital, but he'd slap her around quite a bit and he'd maybe shove her into a wall.
She was abused. And I said, Sylvia, Why do you stay with this guy? He doesn't treat you very nice. And she said, I would rather be treated like this and stay with him than leave him. And I think it was outta love for him. I don't think it was, you know, I don't know. I don't know if she got counseling or help or whatever, but some people, You know, they're, they're willing to put up with not being happy.
That's kind of a different case. That was about staying in a relationship that was not the best. But we get to be whoever we want. We get to go about facing our challenges any way we want, and there are so many opinions out there. Of how to deal with challenges, and I'm sure you've got lots of friends and people that are giving you all sorts of advice, but they're only opinions.
People don't know you like you know, you only you can decide what you want. To do. I know I grew up, I think you, I told you about it in a home where my dad was alcoholic and he didn't treat my mother very well, but the alternative was not desirable to her. She'd rather live in that situation than go try to make a life in another way.
My responsibility in helping my clients and you listening to this podcast is to help you be aware that there is a way out of unhappiness. Because our feelings cause our actions or how we react or why we take no action. I help them understand that they have the power to create their own feelings, meaning they can get the best, make the best decision that gets 'em the result they are looking for in their life.
By simply changing the way they feel. We need to be respectful enough to understand, as I talked about these other examples, that everyone has different tolerances, different ways of processing their thoughts and emotions and different desires. I hear all the time. My husband says, oh man, I couldn't live with that person, but somebody could.
And they love 'em just the way they are. And I'm not, I'm not talking about that. You stay and yes, there is a thing about it's easier to love people if we just accept the way that they are and not try to change 'em. But I'm talking about when we're just generally unhappy. And to be honest, most of the time it is too much work.
It's, it's causes more discomfort. To work on their thoughts that cause 'em to have different feelings that causes them to act a different way than it does just to live with the way things are. I was coaching a client today that was not ready to feel acceptance or compassion of a behavior her son. Was exhibiting around her something unexpected, something very unex, um, of intolerable unacceptable is the word I'm looking for.
And that's okay. It's her given right to do it her way, and I know in my heart that she would like to feel different, but she was not ready to accept or have compassion for him. She loved him, she said, but she was miserable. So anytime we learn anything game changing, as in this, the model I think is a real game changer and about how we can, there is a way out.
We can live a happier life. We can choose to have different feelings. We automatically assume that everyone should feel the same way. We assume that everyone would want to benefit from it because it has helped us so much. But this client I had right now, she's not ready. She's not interested. She just processes things in a different way.
Because we have different brains and different experiences, we view the world so differently from one another. When I, what I think is a major setback for one of our kids, another person or my husband especially, he looks upon it as an opportunity for them to learn and grow. He just casually says they'll figure it out.
What's beneficial to us is not necessarily desired by someone else. That's why our expectations go so unfulfilled so often because the other person just has different expectations. Maybe it's time. For valuing more, focusing more, respecting more, and appreciating more are differences that we have with one another.
Just decide to allow others to just be them still themselves. I'm sorry, and still. Love them if you want. That's a choice too. Everything about you, your thoughts, your feelings, and your behavior can always be changed.
I heard a study somewhere, it's a little easier if you're under the age of 35 because our brains are a little more neuroplastic. But we can change. I'm living proof. I was in my forties, fifties when I stared, started hearing. About, it wasn't the circumstances that caused my feelings, but it was my thought.
But it doesn't happen just from learning this information and wishing that it'll just somehow overtake us and we'll just automatically. Be changing our thoughts. I mean, it seems like, well, yeah, if that's all we have to do, this sounds easy, but you have to intentionally work at it, and you have to practice it, and you have to practice it throughout your relationship with people, your money, your health, and everyone, the guy at the grocery store, the guy that cuts in front of you, this is why I never coach a friend.
I've, I've wanted to, because when my friend is so unhappy, I'm assuming she doesn't wanna be, but maybe deep down right now, she does because the real reality is it's easier for her to be unhappy than to do the work. And that's okay too because she gets to choose the life she wants to live. Not someone else's thought about her needing to be happier in that moment.
She just needs to have someone to listen to her unless she asked for some help. So let's get into these three kind of people. The kind, the first kind of person is probably the most emotionally unhealthy. It's their boss, their adult child, how the government or who the government is being run by, whether.
Or whatever is happening in their life or in their past, they blame for the cause of their unhappiness. Of course that would cause no one
ever told them differently. No one ever told them that. It wasn't the circumstances, what's happening in our lives. That is making us unhappy, but it's our thoughts, and so we just keep blaming the circumstances, and I refer to this as feeling like a victim to their circumstances. They feel it's what's happening or what happened that is causing their feelings.
But circumstances don't have the power to make you feel a certain way. They're, they're just the facts in your life. It's snowing. My child says this. The scale says I weigh 180 pounds. They're facts. The happenings and circumstances are neutral. It's the boring way we, we report about what's happening in our life.
People that are victims to their fir circumstances, that is to the happenings in their life. People that blame the cause of their misery. On what is done, not done, said, or said to them. They also can start believing they are not getting blessings other people are getting, or they weren't raised in a privileged family.
Or if my children answered my texts, I would feel important to them. They are problem focused and not solution focused, but it's still their choice and I'm not gonna try to change anybody unless they ask for some help. The second kind of person believes that if they change their circumstance, then they'll be happier.
Now, I can't change the weather, but there are circumstances I can change, and there are times when we do, it's beneficial to change the circumstance. But it's when we are emotionally healthy that we make that decision. If you are the kind of person that believes changing the circumstance, and you try to do that, that you can change the circumstance, it's a much more healthier emotionally for you than being a victim.
Because they're at least thinking of a way out of their unhappiness. But sometimes you just can't change the circumstance. I can't change the weather, but I can move to Hawaii where I love the weather. Most of the time I could hate my job and I could get a new job. I could figure out. How to lose weight, but you're still blaming what's happening in your world, and so what you're actually doing, you're giving all your power to feel good to this circumstances, and sometimes the grass isn't any greener on the other side.
But maybe it's time to change the circumstance, not to change a negative emotion, but you're at a place in your life where maybe things are a little too peaceful. Could that possibly be Yeah, and it's like, It's time to move on in life. It's time to grow. It's time to evolve until I hire you. But you see that's changing the circumstance.
Changing your job, maybe moving to Hawaii, that's coming from a peaceful, curious, maybe emotion, not from a negative feeling. To escape the discomfort, hoping that you'll be happier by changing the circumstance. So that's kind of a healthy way to be, and again, it's your choice. The third kind of person has the most power to choose how he wants to feel.
Because this person depends on himself internally to feel what he wants to feel, and he makes it his responsibility to take care of his needs. Not his adult children, not his friends, not their spouse. Not their boss, not their job. This person decides on purpose how he wants to feel with that circumstance that happening in his life.
And sometimes he wants to feel sad or angry, but when he is in control of this choice, it feels. Different. It doesn't feel like the world is falling down on you. He isn't dependent on any, to be this third kind of person where you are keeping the power to feel the way you wanna feel. You have to intentionally pay attention to your brain and which thoughts it keeps rethinking That is either helping you feel the way you wanna feel or causing you to suffer more.
But you are keeping all the power. You're not advocating it to something outside of you. You're not blaming that boss. You're not blaming your adult children. Now, what's easy to say is sometimes harder to do, but it is possible. It's some takes. Sometimes it takes some guidance and some help, and all it does is take some practice.
You're just getting the attention of your brain and you're being the boss of your brain instead of the boss being, uh, of your feelings. When I was diagnosed with cancer, And I don't say this to brag or to say that if you reacted a different way, then you're, you've lost it all. I'm not making judgment here.
I felt very blessed to be able to have this reaction. But for some reason, instead of focusing on all that I was going to miss out on life because of the limiting factors that the, that this cancer was placing, not only on my physical body, but on my mind, or I didn't focus on if I was even going to be around for.
Major important events that were going to happen later on in my life. I chose to think, I don't want to be miserable for whatever time I have left now. I don't wanna scare anybody. I'm not dying here. But at the time, you know that. You know, it always takes you by surprise. I was feeling fine, but I chose to focus on all the good I had already had in my life rather than what I possibly might be missing out on.
And like I said, I don't expect you to think like that. You know, I had been trained, even though I hadn't been practicing as much because I was in Africa for 18 months, but I had the tools, but it was just kind of an automatic thing. Was I at peace? Yeah, kind of. But all I know is I didn't have any anxiety.
I had lots of questions and probably the unknown was about how much pain I was gonna have to go through with these treatments, but I didn't feel singled out or picked on. Or why me? Because I chose to focus that I had had a better life than a lot of people I knew. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with pity party, but it's important to know if you want to move out of that pity party, there is a way out.
You just don't know. How badly I want to tell everyone. You don't have to be a martyr and you don't have to be miserable all your life just so someone else can release their frustrations or take their hate out on you or the weather or you know, you don't have to be miserable where you live. The worst possible things can happen to you, to your children, and you can still live a wonderful life concerned and caring about what has happened to them.
But not be stuck in misery and despair in heartbroken for your life. It may mean needing to get some help from a coach or a therapist to help guide you through. This higher level of managing your brain to be that kind of person, not someone that is a victim, not someone which is still a little bit healthier member.
Change your circumstances, but one that has the tools. That if they choose and if they wait and are patient with themselves, if they're willing to feel some negative emotion, the thoughts will come. That will bring you peace.
I believe all answers to our problems come from the gift of the enabling power. Of the atonement of Jesus Christ. He literally says, I will woke, I will yolk with you and make your burdens light. Many of you already believe this, but we can't always feel that gift we've been promised. We don't always feel.
Stronger. Why not? If we believe it, it's not a lack of faith. It's most often it's our understanding of how do we access that source of strength and peace that only. The gift of the atonement can give us, I believe it comes from first believing that he can help us, which I call faith, and then with some guidance on how to apply that knowledge to bring you your peace.
We know it's there. We just don't know how to grab it. We just don't know how to use it. We don't know where to start.
And the scriptures tell us the beginning. If we do what he asks, then. We set ourselves up, I believe, to hear from the Holy Ghost, the spirit of what we need to think that's gonna make us he feel better, and then that will affect our behavior. I help women know how to internally apply on purpose using and listening and recognizing the Holy Ghost, the principles of Jesus Christ in their lives.
I know no other way to live a happier life than following him. And copying him and learning from him and drawing close to him into my Heavenly Father, and asking for help to understand and to feel the strength. I don't wanna miss out on any good thing in this life, and I'm probably way older than most of you listening.
You probably have many more years than I have, and I don't look upon that as doom and gloom. It's just reality. Because of my age, I'm closer to dying than not dying. But I don't wanna miss out on any good thing in this life. And I know I still have challenges yet to come. I know that people in my life might behave toward me still, that causes me to be heartbroken, but I know the gift of the atonement of Jesus Christ can give me the power to forgive those that don't deserve to be forgiven.
It's only from a higher source that that is made possible, and I refer to that higher source as my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ shows us the way to act. If you want to take this to the next level in your life, if you want to be the one that has power over your emotions and not your circumstance or not, by getting rid of the circumstance.
Sometimes I have clients that are not ready. And so I always offer 'em the option. You can move to France and not tell anybody where you moved, and we chuckle and then we go back to learning how to manage our mind. I can show you how to manage your thoughts that enables you to feel more of the time the way you want to feel.
There's no a hundred percent feel good in this life. If there was, we'd be robots and it would pretty soon not feel all that great. All of us really want to do is to have peace, all of us. Really want to be able to just lie down at night and feel good. So if you wanna take it to the next level where you learn how to do this, just to be able to enjoy peace, and when the speed bumps come, you don't freak out.
Yes, you're gonna feel some discomfort. But you're gonna have some tools that you can rely on to get you back on your feet and continuing doing those things and feeling those things that you want to in life. I offer an eight week program to make this a reality for you, and I guarantee you won't feel like the same person.
After the eight weeks, you will feel a confidence and a peace like you've never felt before. I offer this to you only if you're interested, only if you're tired of feeling the way you're feeling. If you think you're ready to start having more. Love and compassion, especially in your relationships with your adult children.
All you have to do is go to bonnie lyman.com and click on book a call and we'll talk. If you don't have a coach, I would be honored to be yours. I wish the very best to you and your family. Have a great week and I'll talk to you next week.
If you like this, be this episode and you felt it was a benefit to you, I ask you to share it with somebody that perhaps it could also benefit. But if you're still feeling kind of stuck in that you don't know how to apply, what was talked about or where to start on on changing your thoughts, on changing your perspective, on bettering your relationship.
Get on a call with me and we can have a discussion and I can tell you how to apply it and where we start, and then you get to decide what you want to do about this relationship that maybe you're struggling with with your adult children. There is no reason to go on the rest of our lives struggling with our relationships with our adult children.
Let's assume the best. Let's assume that we all love each other and we're just trying to figure out how to maintain our own boundaries and respect another ones, but I can help you with everything. So just go to bonnie lyman.com and book a call. I can't wait to hear from you.