Episode 69 The Power of Words
Welcome to the podcast, loving On Purpose. I'm your host, Bonnie Lyman. If you're having trouble navigating through your relationships with your adult children, if you are struggling to connect with them or having specific challenges, you're in the right place.
I'm Bonnie Lyman and you're listening to episode 68, the Power of Words. I can't thank you enough for all of you that listen to my podcast, all of you that share it with other people. It's okay. I don't need a lot of feedback on. If it's, I can tell by numbers that how many downloads I have, so. Um, according to those numbers, I feel like my content is helping somebody, but it's always nice to hear from somebody and usually it's not through an email.
I know we're busy. I know technology is hard. I know it's even hard to find out how to write a review, but I want you to know that I appreciate. You, I. I've only gotten one or two negative feedback remarks about what I said, and I don't claim to be an authority on this subject. I just know I was trained in a way of how we can manage our brains that we.
Can ourselves outside of what's going on in the world, outside of what is going on in our families that we don't like, that things that come up that we're not expected at all, that are, can be very disappointing and heartbreaking. But I still think there is so much out there to be grateful for, and that if we will focus, train our minds to focus on what's going right.
There's always two perspectives to everything that's going on. And when. We've had a very long cold winter. I, I can still be grateful that I'm not in a war. That I have money to heat my house. I have a car with heated seats. I have sweaters. I don't have anything to complain about, but it's okay if we do because that's what humans do, and I'd rather not do everything exactly right.
And not be a robot. Have you noticed how much talk there is about AI these days? I find it very, very exciting. I'm very curious of. Where this is gonna go and where it's gonna go in medical advances and, and just all sorts of things. I know that with every good things, it gets abused and negative Things, um, come out of good things that were not intended to happen, that are trying to be avoided.
But I think it's a very exciting thing, time to be living. I know that the school situations, and it just breaks my heart when I think about. When my oldest child went to kindergarten, that was about 10 blocks away through a winding neighborhood. I walked him to school the first day and the second day I sent him out the door by himself.
So I know our kids are being strengthened, their characters are strong. And yet I am so grateful for the time that I was able to raise my kids, that I didn't have to worry about harm coming to them. And it was okay for them to have to walk a mile to school in the snow. It just kind of toughened them up.
I w I wonder about, These kids that have so many choices as to whether they wanna do something or not. And I, I don't feel like I ever forced my kids to do anything, but I highly encourage them to. And I can remember my youngest son coming back from a 50 mile scout hike, and. We mistakenly bought him new boots that were not broken in, and his ankles, he came home just bloody raw, but he tells stories about being so hungry that they'd catch a fish and they'd eat it and it never.
It taste. Nothing ever tasted as good as that fish that he caught, and I can't even remember right now if he even likes fish. But he learned a lot. I, I wonder about the hard things that our kids are faced with. It almost seems like a lot of times there's a lot of fear based in it, where when I was raising my kids, it was learning life was hard because they were learning.
To not have as many conveniences to not carry around a little computer in your hand to not, um, Just have the choice maybe not to go to some of these hard time activities because there wasn't a lot of other choices and it was something to do. And it was their, their friends like doing it. Uh, it, it's. I know that it's just different because I can remember my husband's father talking about, man, it was hard enough raising our kids when we were raised him.
I don't know how your kids were gonna survive this, but I know that there are so many good people out there. That are watching out for my kids and helping them, I would do anything for them. I honestly think that there, there are more good people in the world than evil. I think there's more good things going on in the world than bad things.
But that's not what like people, that's not what people like to hear or interested in on the news. They want to hear about all the doom and gloom, and so that's what gets published. I like to watch Lester Holt because he always ends with a very inspiring story of some person, some. Teenager doing, just going above and beyond to give themselves to uplift another.
And I re, I really think if that was our goal in life was to lift each other up. It seems easier to do that with people that aren't in our family, and we tend to judge them a little bit more, and especially moms. We tend to take it personally that the mistakes that they make and some of their poor choices.
That we think have ruined them for life are our fault. It was something on our part that we didn't do, but you have to remember that we're all these unique snowflakes. We all have a different brain. We all view the world in a different way. We process things at different speeds, and so I love the work that I'm doing in helping people learn to train their brain.
To reprogram their brain, to rewire their brain, to become the boss of their brain, whatever you wanna call it. I am trying to help people feel better and have hope that life is still amazing. With all the trials and wickedness, it is still filled with a lot of righteousness and good people and good things going on, and I think if we believe that, then we would have more hope.
For our children that they do have things to see that are going right, that can help them turn their lives around and they live happier lives. You know, if my kids make mistakes, I can get through that. Pretty good now. With all the training I have, and because I'm human, sometimes I get angry and I don't, and I judge and I, I feel like we're either judging people, which doesn't feel good, or we're loving them, or somewhere on the spectrum there, but at least a couple notches closer to love.
That by choosing our thoughts, we can choose our feelings. And despite everything that's going on, we don't have to live a miserable life.
So with saying that, I'm gonna get back to the topic that I wanted to talk to you about. Oh, but first of all, I wanna share this with you because I sent an email telling you that I think many of you know that about five and a half years ago, right when I got back from Africa, about six weeks after I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, it's a.
It's a, um, cancer, I believe in the plasma of your bone marrow and it's incurable. And so they, I had a stem cell transplant that put me into what they called remission. And so it was explained to me that it was like an iceberg. And so when I had this stem cell transplant, they took all the myeloma, all the glacier off of what was on above the water.
But below the water, all the ice that was left, um, was like the myeloma in my body. So I would go in every three months for a blood test to see where my status was. And there's one indicator. They don't put it into stages, but they look for ranges of whatever they look for when they're looking, when you have a blood draw, a blood test.
And I, I knew that, um, It, it was called an M Protein. And so for five and a half years that would show up non-detectable. So that was good. But there was about eight other things that if they started changing and this M protein started spiking, then it meant that the, uh, Myeloma, they referred to it as relapsing.
It was coming back. So I mentioned that I was going in because I knew there was enough changes as to what they were gonna do. So I'm happy to say, That I have gone in for five weeks. Once a week I get an injection called Spro and it's like a chemo. And so to me chemo is like putting poison in your body to to kill this myeloma.
And the side effects really haven't been that bad. I haven't felt as good as previous to taking it, but I was just so grateful. I could still do my podcast and I could still do my coaching and I could still function that way. There's some other side effects. I'm not real wild about. But all of you were so kind.
I had so many people reach out to me, you know, hoping that my numbers would all be good. Well, I knew they wouldn't be good when I, when I wrote that email, but this last week I went in and the test showed. After only four shots that there was a 50% improvement of getting my numbers back in the range. Now, that doesn't mean they've killed the myeloma off because there's not a cure for it, but I, I'm very comfortable with my doctor.
And I just do what he tells me to do, and I trust that he says I have at least another five and a half years, and I really feel that they're coming out with new treatments, that this multiple myeloma is not what I'm going to die for. Diif. So I just wanted to share that with you because I know some of you have asked about that, and that may be an overshare on a podcast, but I really feel like I talk to people that love me and are concerned about me, and I wanna tell you that I wish.
Nothing but the best for you and your families. And even though it's hard, I hope my podcast in some small way can give you some hope and relief in what you're dealing with, particularly with your adult children. So I have always been very fascinated by words. In fact, I have a Pinterest board that's nothing but words.
And when I take notes, when I go to church or when I go to a coaching conference or something, I will, when I write down a sentence or a phrase, I always circle or underline the word. Because I like how certain words make me feel, and it all started one time when I was reading an article about how to make a request and.
I hope some of these words we, we talk about power statements, power statements that really resonate with us, that keep us hanging in there and keep us more focused on the positive. Outcomes of life rather than the doom in gloom. But I remember reading this article and it was how to make a request of someone so I can remember when, well, even now.
I even, I like having milk in the house and we don't shop on Sunday, and so Saturday night, if we're outta milk, I really want my husband to go get some milk. So there's several ways I can ask him. I can say, Won't you please go get some milk for me? I really want some milk tomorrow for my cereal. And he would say, just ask me.
Don't whine about it. Don't beg me. Yeah, I can get milk, but you know, you don't have to say it like that. And then I'd say, will you? Go get some milk for me. Well, he had feelings about that and it didn't sound quite right. It almost sounded like a command. And so then I started saying, can you go get some milk for me?
And he'd say, I can, but I sure don't want to.
And then the next word I tried, could you go get some milk
and go, could you go pick up some milk for me at the store? And he goes, well, you know, I could.
He goes, But I sure don't want to. Do. You think you can go one day without milk? But then in this article they said the most kindly, non-threatening, non demeaning, non-com commanding word you can use is wood. Would you go and pick up some milk at the store for us tomorrow?
And nothing was said and he would just go get in his car and go get some milk. So I thought that was pretty par powerful. So here are some other words.
The other one. Or that I like, and there's kind of two is maybe and maybe not. So when I'm talking with a client and they say, if I don't get him to start going to church,
He's, his life is not gonna be happy and my grandkid, he may leave the church and my grandkids are not gonna be able to learn about the gospel and then that will affect their children and it becomes this big generational problem.
So the thought or the word to think is maybe, but maybe not.
We have to open it up to having an optimistic feel. We just can't say. Oh no. I'm certain he'll come back to church and I've had people tell me that about my inactive kids. Oh, he's such a good boy, he'll come back. He was always so good, and I just think maybe, maybe not,
but at the same time, It keeps me in that space of, yes, there is the possibility, but it also takes me to a place where I don't have any control over this. I don't have, it's not my responsibility to make him come back to church or to get him. There's nowhere. In the proclamation on the family or anywhere that says it's our responsibility to keep our kids active in church, to keep them believing in Jesus Christ.
There's no faith that says that. I would say most faiths. Say you have a responsibility to teach them about Jesus Christ, but because of agency, they all have, it's their choice of what values they want to clinging to and accept and follow, and that's really, Uh, something we cannot take away from them.
Okay. Another one of my favorite words that I think is very powerful is the word different. So I was a weight watcher leader. Pre Africa, I can't remember years, but I can remember that it was before I went to Africa. And so oftentimes we would have discussions about staying on plan and if they could stay on plan, they would get the results.
They were on it and would lose weight. But when they went outta town, it was so hard. Because they were having to eat out, they were stopping at sea stores for snacks. And I said, what if we changed the word hard to different? It's just different.
It's not any harder. You're just gonna have to get a little more creative. It's just going to be different. Maybe you're not gonna have the variety in your foods. Maybe it's not gonna taste quite as good because you're gonna have to tell 'em, can you cook that without putting, um, saute in it in butter?
But that's okay. But just that one word just changes your mindset of, I'm gonna have a really good time and I'm not gonna be hungry. It's just going to be a little different. And so when you have these sons-in-law and daughters-in-law come into your families that I coach a lot of clients on, they really struggle because they just don't wanna do things the way they're used to doing them with their family.
And so last week my podcast was on expectation pain, and so one of the expectations is when you come to my house, you do it my way.
But that may not be the case. They may me like to do it a different way.
There's no right or wrong. You think of Christmas time. A lot of families open their presents on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas day, so if you're used to doing one way or the other, that kind of goes against your grain. But why does it have to be the same every year? It's just different. That's all it is.
It's not good or bad, right or wrong, but we can put create a lot of drama and a lot of unhappiness in experiencing our Christmas
just because it's different. Another word I like is yet I think that's very powerful. So I was coaching a person once and they were talking about they were gonna have to move or they had moved and they moved to some college town. Her husband got his dream job. And she was just struggling with living in this town.
She was so sad. And she, she couldn't find anything she liked to do in this town, and she didn't like the habitat and she didn't like the weather and, and, um, you know, there were just a lot of things that she didn't like. Well, there's a theory behind that, that. If that's what you focus on, that's what your brain is gonna help you find more and more evidence for.
But if she could just say, let's say the town was Spokane, that's where I live and I love it here, and a lot of people after this winter are just sick and tired of it, but.
I told her, what if you have the thought, I just haven't found what I like about living here yet.
Say that to yourself or listen to that again. How does that make you feel? It makes you feel much more positive and optimistic and that it's, I'm not always gonna hate living here. I call it, we get so terminal in our thinking that I'm always gonna hate it here.
But if we just say, I don't like living in Spokane yet, then that changes your whole feeling.
Okay. The other word is how we think before we can make a major move in our life. Um, before we can, um, set a big goal that we have to know the how or if we just can't see how things are going to work out with our kids, with all the decisions and the path they're going down.
But if we could just tell ourselves,
I believe it won't always be this way. I believe that everything is gonna work out. I just don't know how. Or it may be. I wanna go back to school. I wanna do something with my life. I wanna go back to school just to learn some things, and I don't quite know how I'm gonna pay for it.
But if you just have the desire, To go back to school and you really, really wanna go, you're gonna find out the how, so you can say, I'm gonna go back to school in a year right now, I just don't know how I'm gonna pay for it.
But I'll figure it out.
Just that one word. How
not needing to know how
your kids are gonna take a change in their life for the better. Or they're going to become more involved with you. Or for those of you that haven't seen your kids or grandkids for five years or more,
you can still believe and hang out in that space of optimism that feels so much better of having hope.
I think there will be a time that, that I will have a better relationship with my kids. I just don't know how it's going to happen. But I'm gonna keep on believing.
Okay. Another word I like is possible. So sometimes when we're learning to, um, come up with new thoughts, thoughts that service that make us feel better, that at least make us feel hopeful or peaceful. Or calm
is the word possible. It's possible that they will start calling me more frequently. That's much more easier to believe and much more hopeful that I'm just gonna keep believing. Sometime here, they're gonna start calling me. Doesn't look very likely. And that's what it, it's mostly is. Nope, I, I can't believe that.
They're gonna be that involved in my life. But if you were, use the word possible, just kind of softens it and it doesn't make it so absolute something that you can't resonate with or you can't believe, but it's possible that. We're going to reconnect one day, and that kind of fills you with hope.
Okay. Another word I really like is kind of a phrase better than you ever could have imagined. I say that all the time. If we're going on vacation and I look at my weather map and it shows, I think I'm gonna go someplace for fun in the sun and it shows rain every day.
I just tell myself.
This vacation is going to be better than I ever could have imagined. Or if you have that dissident daughter-in-law coming over for dinner that complains about everything. And maybe it's Christmas. This Christmas is going to be better than I ever could have imagined. And I think of this oftentimes when someone loses their job and it really puts 'em in a precarious, scary for full situation when they've gotta provide for their family.
And jobs may be hard to find at the pay they were getting.
And then they find a job and they realize the best thing that could have happened to them was that they lost that other job because they love this job so much better. And it's still. Providing very adequately for their family. And so oftentimes we hear, I never would've imagined it would work out so wonderfully.
So I like to use that phrase as often as I can. It's gonna be better than we ever could have imagined. And you know what? You're gonna go into that situation and you're gonna focus on what's going right, because you've just given another assignment. A little problem to solve for your brain. In our brain's, love solving problems.
The other word I like is decide instead of just saying, I want to do this, I want to lose some weight, I, I want to, um, put my desires aside for the needs. Of my kids. I want them to experience this time at this age in their life
without me making judgment or thinking they A should be doing it differently. So instead of just wishing I decide on purpose, I decide ahead of time that
I am, I'm going to lose 10 pounds by. July 1st, or I have decided that I'm going to listen more and talk less. I've decided that I'm only gonna say things to my kids that build them up and not tear them down. I am going to decide to listen more and talk less. It puts much more power into that desire, that wish, that want when you decide to do something.
Every time we make a choice, we either decide to do something or decide not to do something. So which one is going to give you the better result? Decide that ahead of time. So I think that is a powerful word. The last thing I wanna leave you with, Is when I'm really struggling with somebody
and it's someone very close to me who I love, and I feel like they've criticized me
for something that I really didn't do.
But I also feel that people that are hurting, and I mean hurting, maybe they didn't get a good night's sleep. Maybe they just got a fight with their husband. Maybe they're worried about one of their teenage kids.
You know, they're hurting, hurt, hurt people tend, people that are hurting tend to hurt other. People, but sometimes if, if I got get sharp shot with that criticizing dart too often and I can't process the hurt fast enough, or I can't come up with a new thought. This is what I say. You know, my husband and I went on that mission to, uh, Kenya for 18 months and we were together 24 7 and we had never done that.
We worked together and we played together, and we slept together, and we ate together and there were other people around. It just wasn't the two of us. And it was good, but it was hard. It could, you know, you can get you're in a small flat and kind of get on your nerves, and I remember every time if we got in an argument and you have to say it out loud and you have to use the last name, I would say, I love you, Jeff Lyman, and just even saying that right now.
My heart just swells. One time I was in a training meeting and I think we all have some A D H D, but my mind's going all over the place and it was a very interesting, um, important training, meeting, meaning, and I missed something and I wanted to catch it, so I turned to my colleague next to me. I go, what did she just say?
And she said, if you were paying attention and listening, you would've heard it. Now I would like to listen to what else she has to say. So of course I felt some guilt. It was probably closer to shame. So I felt that for a minute and it wasn't going away. I was embarrassed and I just kept telling myself I was embarrassed, and then I went to.
Her tone of voice was rude. You know, she should, she could have just gone sh with her finger,
so I must have said 10 times over. I just love that, Pam.
I just love Pam.
I love Pam,
and of course I wasn't saying it out loud,
but what matters most as we love our children because it's our feelings that cause our behavior. It's our feelings that cause us to say things we shouldn't say
or it our feelings of love. Cause us to say the things we should say. And when you're in that space of loving and not judging, it's very important the way we communicate to our children.
And if you're in that space of loving, I guarantee you will do what love would do. You would speak to these children the way Christ would speak to them. And there might even be some correction needed there, and I can't, so many people ask me, well, is it okay to say this? And I say, I can't answer that for you.
Do you want to say it? And do you like your reason for saying it?
And are you gonna get the result that you want or the response that you want from when you say it?
I still believe in the principle. Less is more. So choose your word wisely. My friends have love in your heart. Focus on the good and you can have a heavenly moment every day. So glad I got to talk to you, and I'll talk to you next week.
If you like this, be this episode and you felt it was of benefit to you, I ask you to share it with somebody that perhaps it could also benefit. But if you're still feeling kind of stuck in that you don't know how to apply what was talked about or. Where to start on, on changing your thoughts, on changing your perspective, on bettering your relationship.
Get on a call with me and we can have a discussion and I can tell you how to apply it and where we start. And then you get to decide what you want to do about this relationship that maybe you're struggling with with your adult children. There is no reason to go on the rest of our lives struggling with our relationships with our adult children.
Let's assume the best. Let's assume that we all love each other. And we're just trying to figure out how to maintain our own boundaries and respect another ones, but I can help you with everything. So just go to bonnie lyman.com and book a call. I can't wait to hear from you.