Coaching with LDS values

Episode 71 How Inspirational Music Can Help You Feel Peace with Kristine Cox Bonnie: Welcome to the podcast, loving On Purpose. I'm your host, Bonnie Lyman. If you're having trouble navigating through your relationships with your adult children, if you are struggling to connect with them or having specific challenges, you're in the right place. I'm Bonnie Lyman, and this is episode 71. How Uplifting Music Can Bring You Peace With Christine Cox. I have a very special person on today and I'm still just amazed how God, that's how I say it. God can, Expires in my favor all the time and have a special guess on today. Christine Cox, and I don't think it was by accident that I connected with her because I don't, I send out emails just about five times a week and I don't get a whole lot of responses, but I did get a response to her that. The, I can't remember the email. Maybe she'll tell you, but it, my email touched her and she connected, especially with this one. It resonated with her. Because she is quite musical and she writes Inspiring music, and I'll let you tell her about that. But we just connected and I said, I wanna do a podcast with you sometime because we're really on the same mission in helping women have more peace and calm. And can have more contented lives amongst the storms that are happening in our life. I, my method is through my coaching and I help people see things from a different perspective and I help them try on new thoughts. And when we have new thoughts, we know if we're thinking. Hopeful thoughts and we're gonna have a hopeful feeling, and we we're just better to have a more contented life. Now Kris wants to do exactly the same thing. I call her Kris but it is kristine Cox. So she'd like to go by that name because that's how she puts herself out there. But she just goes about it in a little different way where I start with either the feeling or the thought line and go from there. She starts with the action line, the behavior. And that is through her creating this beautiful, wonderful, inspiring music. And I'm gonna, we're gonna play a song in a little bit that you can hear one of her songs. And she has a story behind that one that she. The, the music causes the new thoughts to come that cause the new, hopeful, peaceful, calming, love feeling, and so we just kind of go about it. A different way, but I think for many of you, this is not just about Mother's Day, but this is a place to get us in that space of peace and calm. So I'm gonna quit talking because Kristine has wonderful things to share. So Kristine I would like you to tell us about yourself and just how you got into this, what's gone into your life, just anything you wanna share. Kristine: Well, first I wanna just say thank you, Bonnie, for having me on your podcast. I'm a big fan of the work that you do in the world. And I was thrilled that you asked me to be on your podcast, so thanks for letting me share this time with you and your listeners. I have always loved music, so music's been a big part of my life from the time I was little. And I was born in Utah, and raised in Utah, and I still live in Utah, so I've never really left the state. And music was part of my growing up by saying when I was little, With my sister on, we would get out the little microphone that had a chord that went with our tape player and sing songs, stand on the fireplace and pretend we were musicians, you know, famous musicians dance around. And then I started taking piano lessons. After that, I took voice lessons. It was in choirs at high school. And then I studied college college. I studied at the University of Utah Vocal performance. And after that I became a voice instructor for about 15 years and did a lot of musical theater around the valley. So music has played a huge part in my life. It's always brought me peace and calm, and even the music that is not sacred. That I've taken part in that was in musical theater, et cetera. It just brought me such joy to share stories of people's lives that I got to portray when I was playing musical theater and the songs. Would touch your heart. And I saw how it really made a difference in people's lives when they came to the, the theater and they would leave and they just were uplifted and they just walked out and said, sometimes I would be able to meet with them afterwards, and I say, oh, I just needed this today. But as I went through my life, I went through a really difficult divorce. And had to go back to work full-time as a real estate agent to just kind of pay the bills. So I took a little break from music's. Music was still part of my life, but it wasn't my career. And then I remarried about five years later and took on well, got, I was blessed with four bonus children as part of my. Marriage to my new husband and about three years in realized, you know, there was some really difficult things that I didn't anticipate about being a stepmom. It was really, really hard. And a few years after that, I just started having all this music come to me and our kids were getting a little older. I had always thought that when I came back to music when my kids got older. It would be that I would get more involved in musical theater again. But I think God had other plans in mind. He just started sending me all these messages through music, and I never thought of myself as a songwriter. I'd written a few songs, but they started coming to me very rapidly. And I had to figure out what in the world I was gonna do with this. I thought it might just be for myself or for my children or my grandchildren. But I began to realize after a few years that God wanted me to just inspire other people through my music. He wanted other people to hear this too, and I say my music, but really I can't take credit for it because so much of it has, I feel like. The message just comes through me. That particular song just came into my head and we're speaking of the song perfect for me. I was thinking about my, my daughters and their children. They, I have five grandchildren, six now. At the time I had five and we. They're just wonderful mothers. But sometimes as mothers, we wonder if we're doing a good enough job. And I knew that Mother's Day was coming up and for me, mother's Day had always been about celebrating just the mother figures that have been in my life celebrating, getting to be a mother, et cetera. I know. For a lot of women, it's a really hard day. I'd heard a lot of friends express that because they felt that they either weren't able to have children or their children were estranged from them, or their life just didn't look the way they wanted it to. Their children were challenging and they were not handling it the as well as they thought they should. Just all this judgment around themselves on Mother's Day. And so I wanted to write a song because I wanted women everywhere to understand that while we are not perfect and we're never meant to be perfect in this life, but we are perfectly suited for those who are placed in our path and that includes our children. Bonnie: Okay, that, that is wonderful. So right now you're going to hear this beautiful, beautiful song. Song: For, I'm so grateful and I thank him. For the one who got and teaches me the way to that, I can be. Knows she perfect savior Jesus Christ, his spirit in my life. Me wanna choose sunrise and. Day by day the challenge. Bonnie: I call it, but it music, even like when I'm taking the sacrament. I probably get more, I can get pretty emotional depending on the sacrament of him, and it does draw me closer to my Heavenly Father, and it does bring me peace. So when you wrote this song, share with us the response. Somebody reached out to you, and first of all, Christine, at this point in her life is, It's the, the payback, you know, she gets from this, and I think most coaches do it even if, if you wanna work with me one-on-one, I charge you something. But I'm always trying to give you free help, whether it's my podcast or my newsletters or my posts to uplift you to make you feel better. And you know that is Kristine's goal. She wants to uplift and inspire and help women to have hope that it, they don't have to be in this kind of pain the rest of their life. And I always say it's tapping into the enabling power of the atonement. And I think a one great way to do that is through music. So at least right now in her life, she's not doing this to publish songs and sell them. Am I correct on that, Kristine? Kristine: What? I did have a website at that time. Okay. And I was publishing them to the website, but the overall goal was to try to inspire people through music. Bonnie: Okay. So I have some links I'm gonna put in the show notes. Did you make a CD that you sell at all or anything? Kristine: Yes. This song is on my first. CD that I released called because he came and it's Songs of Faith for Families. Bonnie: Okay. Songs of Faith for Families. Boy, does that sound like something that my listeners would be very interested in? So in the show notes you can find that, but I kind of get the feeling you told me you really, because you really didn't even need to. It's not about the money, it's about helping women and inspiring them. Right? Oh, for sure. For sure. So that kind of fuels you as far as what keeps you going. The more I put out there, the more women I can help. Kristine: That's right. That's right. My husband has a job, so I don't, I don't need to work. I do this because it fulfills me and I, I have a real estate license, which I recently put on hold a bit to really try to just inspire more people with my music because it, I could make more money doing real estate, but it just, There's something that I'm supposed to do that I'm supposed to share. And when I hear back from people that, that something touched their heart in one of the songs that I, I feel like God really sent me, I'm just a vehicle. I'm not, I just feel blessed that I'm the vehicle through which his messages get to maybe be delivered to the people who need them. Bonnie: Right. And I think it reminds people, yes, there's this music that can inspire me, that can cause me to have more hopeful thoughts, that I'm gonna feel more hopeful, which feels so much better than despair. But it also is kind of like you said, the vehicle that to be able to go. From despair to feeling hopeful comes from the power of a higher source. And you know, we call 'em God or Jesus Christ, whatever. And, and so it's just that stepping stone and I think it's sometimes it can for some people, Get them to move quite quickly into thinking those new hopeful thoughts that causes them. And they don't even realize that they've changed their thoughts. But because you know what? My foundation is, our thoughts cause our feelings. It just happens so fast that they go to the right. The good feeling, the hopeful, the soothing, the calming feeling. So that's true. I'm just gonna give a model on this so these people know where this goes in the model. So let's say that you have a child, an adult child that has told you your child, Has quit going to church, no longer wants anything to do with the church. And you know, it's not only members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that this is heartbreaking to parents into mothers, but I've had a lot of clients that were Catholic, Jewish. That it, they had raised them in a particular faith and then when their child decides to go back to quit going to leave and not accept these values that they felt, they taught them that they going to despair, you know, disappointment, whatever. But so, Instead of just going to the thought line or the feeling line, you have a child that no longer wants to accept the blessings that your faith has to offer them, and so you know what you're feeling and you don't like it. So if you were to go to the, a line, change your behavior, instead of rooming, ruminating on it, they were to listen to some very inspiring music. And yours, I just felt just, just hit so close to home to me of the, it seemed so applicable. That it would touch the hearts of, you know, so many of my clients, my listeners that are struggling with you know, the disappointment of the behavior of their children, that this inspiring music, just go listen to some inspiring music. Start on the A line and then. Usually you're not even gonna realize, but new thoughts are going to come and it's through, I think, the power of the spirit that we feel. We feel that peace because it's soothing and calm and I don't know, a new thought may be it's possible. That they'll come back to church one day. And so then what happens? Your result is you wait peacefully, not not frustrated, not impatiently, but you wait peacefully for that day to happen. I love that. So share with me that that woman's response when she heard your song. Kristine: Well, she wrote to me on Facebook, she sent me a message, and this was just a few minutes, probably four minutes after I had posted it. So I felt like she'd barely had time to listen to the song. Maybe it was five minutes, but I had, I wasn't gonna post it that night because it was kind of late. And then I just had this feeling that I should, and shortly after that, she reached out to me and she just said that she was filled with a lot of emotion and she'd never been one to cry over a song. But she said it touched her heart and she was crying from the beginning because she had hated Mother's Day for 33 years. She said that she now had a new outlook on Mother's Day, and she said, my heavenly Father sent me these beautiful girls. He could have chosen someone else, but he didn't. He chose me, and that's where it's celebrating. And she said it just would forever change the way that she would look at Mother's Day, and it really brought her a lot of hope. Bonnie: And so again, I say this is another great tool, not just about Mother's Day. And this song we played, you know, was specifically Dre addressed to that. But Christine told me that when she was going through her divorce and she was feeling a lot of despair, and I asked her, so what was her thought? And her she, she told me, her thought was, this is not how my life was supposed to go. And, and so out of despair, you know, so I said, so what did you do? So tell, tell us what you did. Kristine: Well, I would try to listen to uplifting music, and there was one particular time which I was, I was sitting in church. And I was having this feeling, this isn't how my life was supposed to be. I'm sitting there by myself with my three little daughters. And my husband had, you know, just chosen, he wanted a, a different life at that time. And I thought, this has not how it was supposed to be. Bonnie: So you were feeling. Kristine: I was feeling really down. I was just feeling very dis, very much in despair, very much like, how am I going to go on? Even though I had my girls and I knew that, it just felt was hard to see how I was going to get through the grief that I was feeling. I was just really in the midst of grief. It was a huge loss. And they say death, you know, divorce can be like a death because it is kind of a death of something that was a huge part of you. And my marriage was a huge part of me. My husband was my high school sweetheart, so I sat there just grieving, and they got up and announced the closing song and it was, where can I turn for peace? And the song started playing, and I've told you I love to sing, and music had been a way for me to really get through some of the things that I had been feeling. But this time I couldn't sing. I was just crying. The emotions were coming so fast. Because it was coming to me exactly where I needed to turn for peace. And I felt my savior's love for me so deeply through that song that I knew everything was going to be okay no matter what happened. No matter what happened. And at that time, we, I don't think we had filed for divorce or anything, but it was. I was feeling like it probably was headed that direction, but I knew that no matter what happened, it was gonna be okay. Bonnie: So again, hearing that song caused you, triggered a new thought, which right. Kristine: You know, I was thinking as you were talking and about it, the thought that came to my mind, or the phrase was that music could kind of act as a model interrupter, so to speak, where you're headed down one path with your circumstance and your, your thought and your feeling, and then the music can kind of interrupt that. And help us to form a new thought, which will create different feelings and a different result. Bonnie: Right. And I would call that a thought interrupter. That's right. Because instead of ruminating and building the story of making it longer and even more painful about why life wasn't supposed to be this way, and we go down that victim mode. It. You did a turnaround and so yes. A turnaround. What, what was the, what was the feeling you were then feeling? Having that thought, no matter what happens, it's going to be okay. Kristine: I felt hope. I felt peace. I felt. Absolute Bonnie: love. Okay. And so again, I just think this is so interesting, you know, because that's, music touches me so much and I can honestly say when I've really been upset about something my kids have done. Maybe when I'm at church and I hear that inspiring music then, and I'm in that place of, of being disappointed and heard and just not knowing how things are gonna work out, you know, that, that fills my soul and then it causes me to come up with a better thought that no. It's possible that every, if, if you, if you can't totally believe, no matter what happens, it's going to be okay. You know, we can start whether it's possible. No matter what happens, it's going to be okay. But even that's the beginning of hope. And then our mind just naturally runs away with that and starts. Showing you more and more evidence of why it's going to be okay. So, you know, for this Mother's Day thing, I think it's good. Maybe this Sunday, if you go to church, just kind of focus on the music. You know, just focus on the music and how it makes you feel. And if it makes you feel peace and love, you know, I, I wouldn't even try to identify the new thoughts I was thinking, but just bask in that I read something, it was in a scripture about the love of God and. I like to say, let it swell in your heart. Let's let all this good music swell in your heart. Tell us a little bit about the power, good or bad that music can have over us. Kristine: Well, there have been studies done, the American Music Therapy Association. Talks about how they use music to intervene with people who have had a a traumatic brain injury, and it will help improve negative mood states and the quality of life. It helps with cognitive recovery. It helps them to develop more in their physical performance, including walking and talking and upper limb function. And it also just helps them to develop, again, communication, including voice, speech, and language. But sometimes they lose if they have a traumatic brain injury, including like a stroke or something like that. There's just music affects a different part of the brain. And so listening to music, When we're caught in trauma, we're caught in negative thinking or something like that. Music brings in a different part of the brain to help us in healing and a lot of things we go through in life we need to heal from cuz they're hard. Bonnie: And there's more to come. Right? That's right. Kristine: That's right. It's not They're over yet. Yeah, exactly. So I think music has a huge way to affect our, our brain in that it just listening to it or taking part in it. I think they're even talking about taking part in, you know, trying to learn the piano or trying to learn some different music skills. They have them work on those because it helps them to develop a different part of their brain, which also he aids in their recovery. But if you think about it, when we also have. The words that are added to the music that we're listening to or thinking about in addition to the music, that can make a huge difference of what's seeping into our subconscious, into our soul, and it really does make a difference in our, in our mood, in our outlook on life. And I know from my experience with, with the where can I turn for peace incident when I was going through my divorce, but it's happened to me so many other times where I've identified with a song, and you see this all the time. People identify with a song, and the reason they identify with the song is because it speaks to their heart, because of the lyrics, because of the music. And it seeps deeper into their soul than if somebody just said those words to them. The music combined with the lyrics just reaches us in a different way. Bonnie: It does. It's like God speaking to us directly to us, in us, to our heart. Yes, it's going in our ears and the words are. You know, in our minds, but it's, it's just such a powerful tool to, to get you to that space. It's not a cure all. That doesn't mean just listen to inspiring music and you don't need coaching or therapy or even medication. You know, we're not advocating that, but you know, I wanna suggest to my listeners that you know, when you just can't get past that and you don't know where to start, start with some inspiring music. And of course, I'd say, I hope you look up Christine Cox and see what she has to offer and how that speaks to you and how, you know those of you that have younger children, We have no control. I'm always suggesting things to my adult children, but I know they're only suggestions. You know, I don't know if they're trying it out, but, hey, you know I understand you're down. Why don't you try, you know, and I, I would, you know, I'd give him one of Christine's songs. So, This also goes back to you having you're meeting your own needs because this is such a fulfilling thing for you to do. Absolutely. Now just share a little bit about what's going on with your stepdaughter right now, your adult stepdaughter. Kristine: Well, we were really I felt like we were really close for a number of years, but in 2020 she announced that she just needed some space from from, from me in particular, but from the family. She just, she wouldn't really say a lot of what was going on and we. Tried. We wanted to talk about it, but she was not ready and so she's still not ready. So we're just kind of waiting on the Lord and waiting on her for when she's ready. Bonnie: Yeah, that's right. So, but has this energy and time. How you're using some of your free time in your day by developing this music. Do you think that has helped you in, in having the patience to wait? You know, I mean, we're not, we never wait perfectly. There's still times where sad and frustrated with what's going on, but you're not letting it overtake your life. So how has this helped you or how do you think, maybe you hadn't even thought about it before, how this is helping you accept? That this is what your daughter wants to do right now and feels she has some need. We don't know what that is, but she has some need right now to have that separation, which makes you sad. So how has this creating. Of you having this another thing in your life besides just children and family? Kristine: Well, I think it has helped me to gain peace inside myself, first of all, because we've talked about how music helps you to have that when you. When you listen to it, when you're taking part in it, when you are performing it, but there's another level in that it has helped me to get outside of myself. And so when when you get through, when you go through something really difficult and you. Learn certain things. You cuz you go, you learn things as you go through your struggles and your trials in life. Hopefully we do, right? We're asking what can I learn from this? Otherwise, it's just a struggle. So as we're learning things, if we're able to share what we've learned, if we're able to, perhaps someone helped someone else who has been through the same thing. Or even something different that's somehow related just because it's their personal gse, like you're going your through your personal gse. It really makes your heart feel so good. I can't tell you how much good it does for me to just be able to reach out to other people and try to help them. It just gets me outside of my own head and gets me to not worry as much about about my problems and just feel more peace. Okay. I, I think we're all creators at heart. You know, you talked about creating and I think when we create something, and especially when, when we're doing it with God, you know, when he, he's our creator and we're, we're working with him to create something in our life that may benefit others. It's just nothing. There's just nothing better. Bonnie: Okay. And so this is, you know, I have, I have published things in the past about. Three remedies to build a better relationship with your adult children. And one of the things I talk about, I call it get a life. You have to get, you have to find something that lights you up besides just total peace and harmony in my family. We have to learn to fulfill our need of, you know, being a creator, being a contributor to the world of helping others. And, and that comes back for first we gotta develop. You know, ourself, or we have to find that thing that when we get up in the morning, it lights us up. We're excited that we have something. In your case, it's music for somebody else that may be taking a college course, it may be traveling, it may be volunteering somewhere. But when we're dependent on all our feeling fulfilled and happy from what's going on with our relationships with our adult children, instead of waiting patiently and hopefully we're, we're just going to be. Still ruminating in frustration and disappointment and hurt, and so we actually rob ourselves of still being able to live a very wonderful life. That doesn't mean we give up wanting. Things to be more harmonious and loving with our family, you know, especially as they become adults and, you know, it just, it changes. And so you, you had already developed that before you probably had adult children, right? Mm-hmm. And so those of you that are listeners, you know, let's get future focused here and just know, I mean, I had one client, her kids, they just begged her to go to church, begged her to read the scriptures, E of Ys, all those things. Oh, they came back and they had glorious tales. And then they got married and they started making different choices and it broke her heart. And so to find a life to find something that is fulfilling to us and. You know, most of the time I think anything, like you said, we are creators and we create things that bring enjoyment to us, but usually it's going to affect somebody else. So is there anything else you would like to add? Of, you know what this talent that you chose to develop that you'd really kind of put on hold for a while and to become a real estate agent because you had to support your family, you know? You know how, is there anything else you want to tell us? About the effect this because you had the talent, but you chose to develop and enhance and share that with others. Yeah. How has that affected your overall wellbeing in life? Kristine: Well, particularly in this circumstance, I think when you have a situation where, you know, I know a lot of your clients have situations where their adult children have either stepped away from their life or their situations aren't going as well, and it can make you question yourself. It can make you have. Thoughts and feelings about, well, maybe I'm not good enough, or maybe I'm not a good mom, or maybe I'm not a good person. And I think that doing something that fulfills you, that lights you up, like you say, and you are so, you are very focused on that. It really does help you to regain confidence in yourself and to help you feel like you have. A purpose in this life. When we are mothers to young children and they're at home, there's so much of our time and energy goes into raising them day-to-day. And I'm a firm believer that it's also good even during those times to have our own outlet to not get so focused on our, our husband and our kids that. We lose sight of who we are, because sometimes that can be easy to do, but I think when our children grow up and move out and start doing their own things and they become adults, then we're kind of left with, oh wait, who am I? So much of my identity was tied up into these children and this family. Who am I besides that? And really coming back to this for me, has made me realize, oh, I'm not just a mom. I'm not just a stepmom. I'm not just Dan's wife. I'm not just, you know, I am a child of God who had and has a divine purpose on this earth, and I am working with God. To fulfill that. Bonnie: I love, I love how you said that. I love how you said, you know, cuz what is our identity and especially when we're raising those children, when they're still in the home, we have many different hats. I put on my hat to take 'em to, I'm the taxi driver to soccer practice, or I'm the cook, or I'm the hugger, or I'm the teacher. Or I'm the listener. But when they're gone, that, that, you know, I've talked a lot about, we changed jobs. And we're, we're kind of demoted. They don't need us as much. They want to figure things out on their own. They don't want us judging them. They don't want 'em, us reminding them. And so that need, that we got a certain amount of fulfilling is. As tough as it was and as mundane, but you, you were needed. It was very obvious. Where now we're kind of feeling unfulfilled and it's like, what, what do I do next? Who am I? You know, who do I wanna become? And you know, bottom line. Is when we have something that lights us up outside of our family, I believe we're gonna be more fulfilled. We're gonna be happier. And our adult children, more than anything else, just want us to be happy. Now they don't maybe wanna help contribute, but nobody else can make you feel happy. Only you can So, You know, I just wanna end this podcast with saying, I just want you to try it out When you, when you get to those places and you just can't see your way out of feeling so hurt and so horrible, listen to some uplifting, inspiring music. And then also be, be finding out now or find out what else? What do I wanna contribute? What do I wanna create? How do I wanna be spending my time? What do I wanna be learning besides just ruminating over. I'm so disappointed in the relationship I have with my adult child or my children. And so go back. Go to the show notes. Look Kristine up. It was wonderful having you on here. I think this was a great message to my listeners. I'll just say, Decide how you want to feel this Sunday, decide ahead of time, and it doesn't have to be happy. It just might be peace and calm at the end of Mother's Day. And when you feel yourself during the day going down that. Negative rabbit hole. Go listen to some inspiring music. It was my pleasure to share Christine with you today, and I'll talk to all of you next week if you like this, this episode. And you felt it was of benefit to you, I ask you to share it with somebody that perhaps it could also benefit, but if you're still feeling kind of stuck in that you don't know how to apply what was talked about or where to start. On, on changing your thoughts, on changing your perspective, on bettering your relationship. Get on a call with me and we can have a discussion and I can tell you how to apply it and where we start, and then you get to decide what you want to do. About this relationship that maybe you're struggling with with your adult children. There's no reason to go on the rest of our lives struggling with our relationships with our adult children. Let's assume the best. Let's assume that we all love each other and we're just trying to figure out how to maintain our own boundaries. And respect another ones, but I can help you with everything. So just go to bonnie lyman.com and book a call. I can't wait to hear from you. .