Coaching with LDS values

Episode 99: Gratitude Revisited This is Bonnie Lyman, and you're listening to the podcast, Loving on Purpose, episode 99, Gratitude Revisited. Welcome to the podcast, Loving on Purpose. I'm your host, Bonnie Lyman. If you're having trouble navigating through your relationships with your adult children, if you are struggling to connect with them or having specific challenges, You're in the right place. Welcome back to my podcast, Loving on Purpose. Welcome to anyone new listening for the first time. Thank you for those that have shared it with people you feel would benefit from it. I do appreciate you listening and sharing it and helping those be able to get along. And having more loving and harmonious relationship with their adult children. This week is Thanksgiving and in the throes of things, I was trying to come up, of course, with a topic on gratitude. And I decided that it's been over a year since I did a podcast on gratitude. So I decided that it was worth Publishing, rebroadcasting, again. So, if you've heard it, my apologies. I think it's worth listening to again. And if you're a new follower, I hope that you enjoy it. And I wish all of you the best of holidays. Know going into it, that focus on what is going right. With everyone and not what you're displeased with. And I just want to say, I just wish the very best for you and your family tomorrow. Your friends, my heart goes out to those of you that. Are feeling maybe neglected by your adult children and are having it alone. If you're doing that, see if you can find somebody to hook up with or someone to invite over. Or, it doesn't even have to be a turkey dinner. But just get together and play cards, do a puzzle, have some sort of a meal. It's, it's a time of year to be thankful and grateful, and I would also say appreciative of yourself. So, like the title of my podcast said, when we have gratitude, when we are grateful, it actually is a gift we give to ourselves, because, There is nothing that can make us happier than that feeling of gratitude. I can remember when I was going through a very difficult situation with one of my adult children, and it was actually causing me some fear of the outcome, and I really wanted a miracle to happen. And so I ran across a book that was called How to Pray for a Miracle. And what they said in this book was to have all your prayers just be prayers of gratitude. And I thought that was interesting. Because a miracle does happen when we are grateful for what we already have. And I know for a lot of people, That's hard to do, and I'm not, I'm not saying to force yourself into feeling that way or pretending you're grateful, but even finding the smallest thing. So one of the things I wanted to start talking about was appreciation. And appreciation, I feel, is a little different than gratitude. I think of gratitude. As a feeling and I think of appreciation is something that we have to do. We have to take action and then we eventually will feel also appreciation. But it's kind of noticing things. And I guess I'm thinking particularly in being appreciative of yourself. So it's, it's maybe not so much an action, like I said, but appreciation is a thought that causes us to have the feeling of gratitude. But I had an email a couple of weeks back where I talked about, I think it was titled, Gratitude is a Verb. And so what do we do when we're feeling grateful? And that is where the reward comes back to us. Now I'm not saying we do good things just to get a reward, but I do know It's things that make us feel good. We tend to repeat. And so having gratitude, if that will cause us to do something good, we're going to feel good. But first of all, let's go back to this, um, concept of appreciation. So it's, it's number one, appreciating who you are. And, and that you were even born. And then it's appreciating what your body can do. I just think it's incredible. I don't have to do anything to tell my heart to pump blood through my body, or my lungs to breathe, or for my... spleen or my kidneys to do what they're supposed to do to help my body function and, and keep it healthy. And I do have some influence on that, on how I treat my body when I put into it, but it kind of does a lot of things automatically. And so I think it's good. To remind ourselves how amazing our body is. And I think it's even better to get up every morning and look yourself in the eye in the mirror and tell yourself, Thank you, body. Thank you, self. Thank you, Bonnie, for having this amazing body and being so amazing. I don't think that's being, um, prideful. I think it's just being appreciative. And it'll come back to you. So when we're appreciative of ourselves, we recognize our desires, and that may go into defining who you are, or what you want to do in this life. And the being... I'm appreciative that the capacity or the potential to do that is already inside of you. We can do anything we want if we just don't let our brains get in the way of causing doubt and overwhelm. But I'm appreciative. of my body and this brain that just has my heart on automatic pilot. And so, because we have this great and wonderful body and this brain, and if we have the desire to serve others, it's going to make us feel good. But, you know, there have been times in my life Because of health and physical and emotional, I'm in 24 7 pain right now and I just refuse for that to hold me back from Living the way I want to live my life right now. But there's other times that I was really suffering from depression and anxiety. And if I was asked to do too much, it, it was overwhelming to me. So, I would first have the thought, how disappointing I'm feeling. That I can't do what I used to be able to do. And then I couldn't serve others. I couldn't serve God like I used to be able to do. But then I had the thought, but God knows my heart. Because if I wasn't depressed, or if I wasn't in pain all the time, I would serve more if I could. So I used to say to myself, I would, if I could, and I knew God knew that. So, Again, appreciating yourself and liking yourself better, it really helps for you to get along better with your adult kids and be able just to be yourself around them and they will like you better if you are liking yourself. It kind of works two ways. We have a need to love and be. And if, if we're not feeling like there's as many people in our lives that are loving us that we would like, we need to work on loving ourself more. And then it will be easy to love others. Or, if we focus, and try hard to love others more, then we get another reward. We are going to love ourselves more. So appreciation is an awareness. It's an awareness. Of, of what's going right in our lives, and especially of why appreciating why we are a good person. It's, it's recognizing our strengths, knowing that these strengths cause us to be good, even though we still have flaws. And so when we can have these thoughts of appreciation and, and I'm, when I started writing some notes about this, it was being appreciative of myself and my capacity to do and, and to live and to function, you know, it wasn't I that created this body, so I appreciate what was given to me. And all those thoughts cause me to have the grat, uh, the feeling of gratitude. And then it's gratitude, the feeling that causes us to act a certain way. So, when we are feeling gratitude, We're more likely to serve others, we're more apt to do things better, become 1 percent better, because we are grateful for what we have. I... I think about having lived in Africa, where they had so little, and yet they didn't have a lot of wants. I get a little bit better conserving water here, and not wasting my money on frivolous things, and being more aware of the needs of others. So when we have gratitude, we kind of go into that place of wanting what we already have. And so not Wanting more. I just read an article. It was called the tyranny of more, meaning needing more, and even if it's more happiness, or more physical things. If we can have gratitude and want what we already have, we're not going to get into that place of coveting. I work with a lot of clients that they compare themselves maybe to a friend's situation, that have an idealistic relationship with their adult children. And then they start to covet that. And the Bible suggests and asks us not to covet things. And that isn't just to show Respect and gratitude to God, but it is for our benefit. When we covet things and want things that are out of our control, it doesn't make us feel good at all. So another thing gratitude does when we are grateful for what we already have or grateful for, maybe it's just even small Moments of interaction that we have with our adult children, and if we don't have a need To have more, if it's out of our control. It tends to want us, this, this feeling of gratitude, it causes us to want to give back. Or, as I like to call it, pay it forward. The other day I was driving down, um, we kind of live on a hill, I was driving down the hill and you, you come to this stop sign and there's always homeless people. Standing there with a sign that usually says anything helps and I was going to pick up my husband at the airport and I, we had just been in Arizona together for a couple days and just had a beautiful time and I was feeling so grateful. I just handed him a 20 bill and you know, I don't care if he was going to go buy drugs or cigarettes or Or if, if he, if he didn't even really need the money. It just made me feel good because I was feeling so good anyway because of the gratitude I had. I just felt extra generous that day. So I am hoping this idea of pay it forward, I love this concept, that he We'll remember, because he was very shocked when he saw that it was a 20 bill, and I didn't see anybody else giving it. And I always hope the guy behind me sees that there was somebody willing to do something for somebody else. A lot of times I just carry around jars of peanut butter and hand those out. But paying it forward, is being so grateful that you do something for somebody else that maybe doesn't even deserve it. And so you're kind of paying it forward. You're doing something for somebody else. Because you know you're going to be rewarded. And so you don't have to wait for somebody to do something for you. You can just pay it forward. But it plants a seed in somebody's head that, um, it feels good to serve others. I like this song. It's a hymn in our book in my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. Because I have been given much, I too must give. And it's still a choice. I haven't been commanded to do that. God doesn't withhold blessings from me. If I don't do that, but it sure does feel good to give. So feeling grateful always accompanies feeling abundant. Just like me giving that 20 bill to that person on the side of the road. I had the feeling that even though that, you know, was a substantial amount of money, I'm not, to me... I mean, there's just the two of us. It's not that it was going to cause us not to eat or pay our bills. Feeling abundant is being grateful for everything that we have. It's knowing. that we have enough, and that there's enough for everybody. And so when that comes back to relating to our relationships with our adult children that may not be the best, feeling abundant means feeling that there is already plenty of goodness in my life. Maybe the relationship I have right now is exactly what needs to be happening. I know there's many of you that your adult children have requested not to see you again. And for some of you, it has gone on for years. I, I wouldn't give up. I would assume the best. That is being abundant, feeling abundance. Assuming the best. And having the hope that it's not always going to be this way. There is something in their life that is not maybe going right and they're trying to figure it out. Time has a magical way of solving problems. So we can feel abundant or grateful for whatever kind of a relationship we have with our adult children, with whatever amount of attention we receive from them. Because it is what it is, we can't control it. That doesn't mean that you don't give up wanting to have it different. You just don't let it be the dictator of your life. It's very painful to want more and need more and never receive it. Those things that we want, I suggest. You try to give that to somebody else who is in as much need as perhaps you are. So, when we are grateful, and when we have appreciation for ourselves, and when we are feeling abundant, then we can feel content and peace. But it's our choice. We can hang out in gratitude and abundance and feel content, or we can hang out in scarcity and feel resentment and unhappy. It has been proven those that are grateful for what they have are happier people. The more gratitude we feel, the more we'll appreciate. appreciate others and ourselves, and we will become aware of the good things in our life that we already do have. But saying that, if you're not feeling especially grateful or appreciative right now, That's okay. Forcing yourself to feel grateful won't get you there. Maybe you just need to feel a little ungrateful for a while, and then go out and, and do something for yourself. Appreciate that you are human, that you are amazing, not because of something you did, but because. Somebody else created you. I hope all of you can find something to be grateful for tomorrow. I hope you have a wonderful day. My heart goes out to you that are lonely or are feeling. Ungrateful or that are hurting. I hope you can find something to do for yourself and get up in the morning and tell yourself that you are an amazing person and there are people out there that love and appreciate but especially they need you. I look forward. If you're frustrated, Because your relationship with your adult children doesn't look anything like the way you thought it would, I can help you. Moms who are in a painful relationship with their adult children tend to just spin in their sadness and in their pain because they're waiting for their adult children to change, or they don't know what to do to instigate. This change to have a peaceful relationship. My program is called Loving on Purpose. And I help you fix what's not working in your relationship. So you can feel love and peace with your adult children. And then be able to move forward in your life. I can help you feel that peace that will cause you to know exactly what you need to do to maintain that peaceful connection with your children. I can help you feel secure and confident in your role as a mom. I can help you be able to choose. How you want to feel in any, and that means being able to move forward, to live a satisfying, fulfilling life that includes always having love for your children. If you want some help, if you just... If you want to get on a call with me and see what my program is all about or how I can help you, go to BonnieLyman. com and click on the little button that says book a call. If you like this, this episode, and you felt it was a benefit to you, I ask you to share it with somebody that perhaps it could also benefit, but if you're still feeling kind of stuck in that, you don't know. How to apply what was talked about, or where to start on, on changing your thoughts, on changing your perspective, on bettering your relationship. Get on a call with me and we can have a discussion. And I can tell you how to apply it and where we start, and then you get to decide what you want to do about this relationship that maybe you're struggling with with your adult children. There is no reason to go on the rest of our lives struggling with our relationships with our adult children. Let's assume the best. Let's assume that we all love each other and we're just trying to figure out how to maintain our own boundaries and respect another one's. But I can help you with everything. So just go to BonnieLyman. com and book a call. I can't wait to hear from you. .