Coaching with LDS values

Episode 88 Family Members Who Don't Get Along Welcome to the podcast, Loving on Purpose. I'm your host, Bonnie Lyman. If you're having trouble navigating through your relationships with your adult children, if you are struggling to connect with them or having specific challenges, you're in the right place. Welcome to the podcast, Loving on Purpose. It is Wednesday, September 6th in the year 2023. This is podcast episode number 88, Family Members Who Don't Get Along. Welcome, welcome, everybody. I hope you're multitasking, listening to this. Did I tell you my favorite place to listen to podcasts are in the bath? I take a hot bath every morning and I put my AirPods in and I sit and I learn something new. I quite didn't like it. I want to give a thank you to all my clients that I've had in the past several years, and I've just learned so much from them. They help me have new thoughts and new perspectives on dealing with my adult children issues. And I wanna thank all of you that have listened to my podcast and share my Adca podcast. It's hard to explain, but I just, I can picture you out there listening with kind hearts and I thank you. I hope it makes for a happier world at least. the parts we have control over. And I thank those of you for the many, many comments who, those of you who have replied to my emails. What? You're not on my email list? Ooh, yesterday I gave some really fun riddles for Halloween. That's on my Tuesday tidbits, where I just give random things that my husband doesn't really want me to share with him. So I share it with all of you, all of my friends out there that... Some of you get a kick out of them, and some of you don't, but that's okay. I think I have the greatest job in the world. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my time. And I get up every morning with the thought, Who can I help today? I love you all. I would like to read a review. That I got on iTunes from a cat, G. Wood, and this person said, The title of it is, She Gets It. Boy, do I get it because I've been there. I have really benefited from Bonnie's insights and her strategies to be my best self and sort out the complicated relationships at times with my adult children. She has seen, helped me see beauty. where there is struggle and hope where there was frustration. Thank you, Bonnie. I thank you, Kat G Wood, for sharing that with me. That goes a long way when I may be kind of down wondering just how many people I have helped. So I thank you. Let's take It all one day at a time. We're all in this together. I've heard so many of you say it's just so refreshing to hear that other moms are struggling with the exact same thing. But let's just take it one day at a time and see what thoughts are brain. It's going to offer us today. That is going to help us feel a little more at peace. Let's try to comfort those and uplift those that are in need of comfort and uplifting. And that is why my job is so satisfying because I'm trying so hard to do that for you. But you know what? I'm only the messenger. If you find this podcast helpful, That tells me you're trying to apply the things. that you have heard and learned. Today, let's talk about situations in our families that are maybe not as harmonious as you would like them to be. And this isn't just between you and your children, but today we're going to talk about the harmony that That perhaps doesn't exist between siblings, between adult child to adult child. I've had several clients struggle with the negative impact of their children's relationships with one another, of the negative impact it has had on them. I want... To specifically talk about what your role is in these kind of circumstances and what you can do to have peace in your life. I want to start by telling you a story about two of my children. The S C A, no I'm sorry, I can't even spell, S H I T hit the fan in about four years in the life of Bonnie and Jeff Lyman. And one of our child came to us with a very serious problem that we had to deal with. And it would impact their life for the rest of their life. Also, and it did eventually get resolved, but I still don't know the type of emotional impact it had on their life. But it was a difficult thing for our family. But my kids all rallied around and gave this sibling and our child. The support that I don't think we could have done in a much better way. And then another child had a very challenging, unexpected situation come up in their life. And my children weren't quite as supportive. Some of them tried to be, but one... The one who had had the challenge previously was quite judgmental, and quite vocally judgmental. And I mean, I was sad, but I was so surprised that how this child could have gotten such strong and probably the most support from this child that was having this problem. And this other child was judging them and not supporting them. And this other child who was having the problem. had to withdraw and quit contacting them. They just couldn't take the judgment anymore. So there was a lot of friction there, and there was a lot of disrespect. But, my husband and I chose not to interfere. For one reason, we didn't have all the facts. We're only hearing their opinions. We don't know. It appeared if there wasn't much support, but maybe it was being exaggerated. I don't know. I do have my opinions, but they weren't facts. So we chose to let them figure it out on their own. So I'm going to give you. Let me see, I gotta look, how many numbers, eight ways to deal with situations when there's disharmony between siblings in your family. Number one, we have to respect their agency. We were all... given by God this gift to react and to handle situations in our life however we see fit. And so we need to respect this agency and we need to not override it, but we need to allow them to go through the situation in the best way that they can. Number two is we need to stop trying to be the fixer. The only one you can fix is yourself. You can't help fix or change anybody else. You have to let them do it on their own. We spend too much of our energy in trying to fix other people's problems. It's their journey. Let them grow from this experience and pay attention to how you can grow from this experience. What a great opportunity to learn how to stay out of God's business. He knew this was going to happen and there's going to be great growth that takes place here. This is part of their schooling, and part of our schooling is feeling pain. Number three, you need to mind your own business. This isn't about you. This is about them. It's none of your business how they work it out. Your business, though, is to love them just the way they are and make sure they know that you love them. Do that for yourself. If nothing else, number one, you'll have more influence over them than if you were judging them. And number two, you'll feel better. Love feels so good. It feels so much better than worrying or judging or any of those other feelings. So find out how you can love them. Just exactly the way they are right now, even if they're not at their best. Number four, believe it will get resolved. And if you didn't listen to last week's podcast on believing fiercely, I advise you to go back and do that, because that is the beginning of change. And that is the beginning of any good thing happening, believing that it will. Believe they'll figure it out when they're ready. Not on your timeline. It's not the circumstance. It's not the disharmony that's making you sad. But it's your thoughts about it. Go back and review the thoughts that you're having in your mind and maybe you need to change some of them into something more optimistic. Start spending half your thought time being optimistic. There's a 50 percent chance it will all get worked out, maybe even sooner than what you were thinking. And a thought that maybe you want to keep repeating until it becomes a belief is that things never stay the same. Number five, don't take sides. I had a situation with a client where it was very obvious who was not willing to forgive and move on and reconcile. The other, one of the siblings, that was the one that was being judged, Had apologized for what they had done and had let it go and didn't have any judgment over their sibling even when they were never invited to family gatherings that were organized by this child. So we don't want to take sides because we don't have all the facts. You can unconditionally love them and still be disappointed in their behavior. Did you know you can have a positive feeling and a negative feeling at the same time? A lot of people feel that if we love someone, Who is engaged in an inappropriate behavior that we're condoning that behavior, and that is not the case. Loving a person has more influence. over them changing than you judging them. So we have some thoughts and feelings that help us and others that don't. So we just don't want to stay stuck in that negative sad feeling for too long. That belief that it's all going to work out. Number six is you may need to set boundaries about how much you want to listen to the complaints that the judgmental judge has. Children have toward one another or the one that has it toward one child who has already stepped in and learned to forgive. So, what I like to do in this case, if I want to stop that conversation and move on to something else, I use an I message when I've heard enough. An example of that is I really feel sad when I hear what's going on between you and your sibling. And I just prefer not to talk about it anymore. Let's talk about something else right. Now, how are your kids enjoying soccer this year? So you give an I message about how you feel. I started it by saying, I feel really sad. People can argue with your opinions, but they can't argue with your feelings. Number seven. As we're going through this, we want to be able to find peace in the pain. So first of all, it goes back to respecting their agency. It is a God given right to figure this out for themselves. Trust them that they will feel the pain. Don't over skip that part, feel the sadness, but don't let it become debilitating, don't let it keep you stuck in moving forward in your life. Discomfort causes growth in you and in them. Of course you're going to be sad, but it, when it impacts your life, and that's all you can think about, it doesn't help you, and it doesn't help your children to reconcile. Let it go. Feel the sadness, and then let it go, because it's none of your business. And remember, don't take sides, just be your kind, loving self to your children. Remember what your two responsibilities are as a parent to adult children, it's to love them and to Remind them of all the things that you like about them, and that they are doing right. Peace comes in believing this was part of their journey, so let it go. It's not a problem you need to embrace. It is a part of your journey, too. But it's more about how you want to be in this situation. Do you want to be desperate with no hope of things improving? Or do you want to learn to become optimistic that you have belief and trust in your children? It's possible everything will work out. It probably will work out in a way you never... Dream possible. Just remember to give more air time in your brain that this too shall come to pass. Okay, the last one, number eight is How do you want to act? What kind of person do you want to be? How do you want to show up to your adult children? We need to put more focus on how we want to act and less focus on how we want them to act. You will feel lots more peaceful if you do this and you will be, you will have more self confidence that you can deal with this. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their life. This is their problem. They are good at figuring things out because they were raised well. And I know that with 100 percent certainty, because there was never a day Never a single day that you got up that you didn't have the attitude that you were going to try to do your best in raising your kids to be good people. Empathy. Love, compassion, and understanding go a long way in these kind of situations. Show more empathy so they know how to be more empathetic. Be a kinder, more compassionate. Person toward them so that they have an example to follow be more understanding of why they're taking so long to forgive and move on and that will cause you to be more understanding with. Everyone in your life, develop the path to be on to becoming your own best self and allow them to do the same. Allow them to do it. So, it will help you become your best self. Parenting adult children can be complicated. It can be painful, but it also can be so rewarding. Parenting adult children is the best self help class you could ever be enrolled in. I know. I've gone through it. And somebody helped me. get through it. I would love to help guide you through it and give you some tools that will make it less difficult. I hope you have a wonderful week and I can't wait to talk to you next week. If you have something that's really just hard and difficult in your life regarding your adult children, email me at Bonnie at BonnieLyman. com and give me your suggestion. I'd love to hear from you. Have a great day. If you like this, this episode and you felt it was of benefit to you, I ask you to share it with somebody that perhaps it could also benefit. But if you're still feeling kind of stuck in that you don't know. How to apply what was talked about or where to start on, on changing your thoughts, on changing your perspective, on bettering your relationship, get on a call with me and we can have a discussion. And I can tell you. How to apply it and where we start and then you get to decide what you want to do about this relationship that maybe you're struggling with with your adult children. There is no reason to go on the rest of our lives struggling with our relationships with our adult children. Let's assume the best. Let's assume that we all love each other and we're just trying to figure out how to maintain our own boundaries and respect another one's, but I can help you with everything. So just go to BonnieLyman. com and book a call. I can't wait to hear from you. .