Isn’t it strange that one of the most important assignments God has given to us has no instruction manual?
And then they grow up and become adults, before we know it, and we are expected to carry on this whole new role as a mother of an adult child without any guidance?
And then too often, our children make some bad choices and mistakes and we’re not supposed to blame ourselves for poor parenting.
The answers, Yes, Yes, and Yes.
This is the magic, the awesomeness, the blessing of having been given agency. Agency works on both sides of the relationship; one side being the parent and the other being the adult. All are growing and learning and stumbling and rejoicing. We can love the ride when we break things down and really discover what part is mine as a mother (and what part is my child’s as an adult).
It's really quite sad how many mothers out there blame themselves for the misfortunes of their children.
I didn’t love them enough and made life too hard for them; I coddled them too much and made life too easy for them; I forced them to go to church; I didn’t encourage them enough to read their scriptures; I made them get their eagle scout award; he would be making better decisions if I had demanded he get his eagle scout award; I had to work and wasn’t there for him; I didn’t give them enough space to make their own mistakes; my husband and I argued too much in front of them; we raised our kids to think marriage was bliss because they never saw us argue; we never went on a family vacation; our kids were spoiled, they had too many extravagant vacations.
These are some of the reasons women tell me why their children have lost their way. These women hurt more over the disconnection they have with their adult children than over their children making poor choices in their adult lives.
These women are not only heartbroken, but they feel they are broken.
Ask yourself “what does a good mother look like”?
Those that are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints can refer to the Proclamation on the Family. It reads “parents, (mothers) have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness…..mothers and fathers will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations”.
Translated, we will be held accountable for loving and teaching our children, not for whether or not our children choose to accept our love or follow our counsel.
Stated under gospel topics in the gospel library app is a comment on agency: “the Lord has said that all people are responsible for their own motives, attitudes, desires, and actions”.
It’s unfair to yourself and to your children to evaluate your mothering behavior by the outcome of your children.
You feel pain by some of their actions; you feel joy by some of their actions. None of it is because of efforts or lack of effort. It is because you love them.
Decide for yourself what a good mother looks like. It must be about your actions, not their reactions.
I decided, for me, this is what a good mother looks like:
It’s never too late to be the mom you would like to be. When you were raising your children, you were the exact mom your kids needed you to be.
Don’t let blaming yourself get in the way of loving on your adult children.
…..because love always wins.
I can help you see the other perspective of why you were the perfect mom for your kids.
Click the tab below to sign up for a free 60 minute consult. I would love to show you how to choose love on purpose. Not only for your adult children but also for yourself.