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TO MOTHERS WHO HAVE A GAY SON

I imagine my Heavenly Mother coming to me in my pre-mortal life telling me that my Father wished to speak with me. He told me that soon I would going to earth to get my physical body. He also told me that I would have an exceptionally amazing family.

One of His special spirits would be part of my family. This special person would help me to grow to a magnitude I never dreamed possible. This special spirit would have a trait which would teach me how to love as He and His most precious of all children, Jesus Christ, love.

He told me that this special spirit, who would be my son, would be challenged beyond his strength to be be steadfast in the Gospel.

He would be a person who, inherently, treated everyone with an unprecedented love. Everyone that met him would never forget him because he had the gift of making everyone feel important, loved, and special.

This spirit was coming to my family because He (Heavenly Father) had faith in me that I had the strength to accept my son's "thorn in the flesh". He knew I had it in me to not only unconditionally support my son, but also be able to support other mothers who needed the strength and support to accept the same challenge they were having with their son.

I am a mother of a gay son. I feel privileged that I have the chance to have this experience in my life.

I've cried; I've read lots of publications about people dealing with same sex attraction; I've prayed to know the why and how; I've prayed for a miracle; I've prayed to understand not why me, but why him; with some time, I accepted what was.

My son told us he was gay a year after his mission. He was going to counseling at BYU and said we didn't need to tell the other kids because he was going to "knock" this thing. He wasn't able to change.

He told us he suspected he was gay ever since he was 8, after watching a gay pride parade on tv.

He was never tempted on his mission; he thought he would have a different attraction when he came home; he thought he would get married and raise a family. Again, he wasn't able to change.

He had an article published in the campus newspaper, The Daily Universe, when he was attending BYU. Here are some excerpts from that article......

"Since my mission I never denied that the LDS Church is God's church....that...is the first half of the problem. The second half comes from, what are for me, natural desires to be with men.....two conflicting desires.....I cannot fully side with the gay community, nor can I completely fit in socially with Mormons."

"After my mission I was excited to marry. At the same time my attraction to other men complicated that Idea. (People with SSA do not choose to have those feelings. Did you chose to have yours?)"

".......I strongly encourage those of you are attracted to members of the same sex to find someone to talk with.......of all the people I have told only one had a negative reaction......contrary to your personal fears most bishops.......handle the situation professionally. Of all the three bishops I have told none of them have been what I feared most: disgusted by me."

".........Going to church is the hardest thing I do each week. Ward members......joke about dating and marriage......the monthly priesthood joke about being "gay" doesn't help, but for me those subjects are associated with deep inner conflicts."

"......It's hard for me to imagine, for the rest of my life, sitting alone in Sacrament meetings."

"Without a wife, who can I bless, who can I counsel with? I become frustrated when women get upset they don't have the priesthood. My SSA had taught me that it doesn't matter who has it [priesthood], one without the other is still only half"

"Few......know what guidance they should give......they counsel not to act on the feelings, yet if one truly understands the conflict one knows that it is not a solution to the problem of orientation.....not acting on the feelings isn't necessarily going to make them go away.".........

I find myself shedding some tears as I reread this article. I'll never fully understand his pain. But the Savior does.

Do I worry about his eternal salvation? Not one bit!!! I just need to worry about mine. He's more Christ like than most people I know.

Being gay is only a small part of my son's identity. We all too often identify someone as being gay, or transgender, or fat, or a nonmember, or black, or inactive, or unmarried, or didn't serve a mission, etc, etc, etc.

We are all children of a Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother whom don't love some of their children more than others. Their love is not dependent on our obedience. They always choose love us.

Michael McClain wrote a song in which a mother was asking God "which part is mine; which part is yours?" There was a time when I thought nothing would be right with my son's life again; his eternal inheritance was possibly in jeopardy; my hopes and dreams for his future were smashed; this shouldn't be shared with others; was I the cause of his being gay. Many nights in bed I would wake up with the thought, "I have a gay son", what do I do next?. None of these thoughts were useful or helpful tp me.

I was hurting for my son; I was hurting for me.

The thoughts that brought me out of my misery was my son needs me now more than he'll probably ever need me. He needs my support, NOW. He needs me to love him exactly how he is. Nothing has gone wrong; nothing is different about him than when I didn't know he was gay. This is part of the journey my son is suppose to be having; this is part of the journey I'm suppose to be having.

Here are 7 things you can do when you find out your son is gay:

  1. Talk to other parents with gay sons for support. It's always nice to know you're not alone in this challenge.
  2. Meet with a life coach or counselor. They can teach you how to find peace and joy through acceptance.
  3. Focus on the traits of your son that you admire. Being gay is only a small part of who he is.
  4. Pray for a miracle; not for a change of his sexual orientation but for you to be able to figure out how to love him as the Savior and our Heavenly Parents love him.
  5. Pray to be able to understand God's will. "Pray to really believe that you believe the phrase "Thy will be done".
  6. Think these thoughts often......"I was made for this", "I can do this", "I will do this".
  7. Be kind to yourself; don't blame yourself for his orientation. Your son doesn't want you struggling; he doesn't want to hurt you, but he already knows.

My new mantra is "The only time we suffer is when we only focus on ourselves." It's putting my desires aside for someone else's needs. When I choose to think these thoughts, I am closer to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

Love always is the best option! ALWAYS! .....because it causes us to act like the mother we want to be. Choosing love helps me utilize the divinity within me (that's within everyone), to practice loving God's children the way He loves them.

LOVE ALWAYS WINS.......everytime.

I work with women who want to experience a more fulfilling connection with their adult children. I would love to help you strengthen your relationships with them. I would love to show you a technique I use as the foundation to help you ease whatever hurt you are feeling and get on with creating a fulfilling life. Follow me on Instagram at bonnielymancoaching. Click the tab below to contact me.

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