Have you noticed that it’s not as easy being an adult? All those years when you couldn’t wait to be old enough to live on your own.
Free to live any way you wanted to live.
Free to make decisions all by yourself.
What we were never taught was that there were new rules and with these rules their were consequences.
Rules having to do with being responsible for your thoughts, your feelings, and your behavior.
Of learning to be accountable for everything you do; not only to be unable to blame others for your failures, but also realizing you are responsible for your feelings of failing at something really big; no longer able to point the finger at someone else for your discomfort.
I can remember when I came to the realization that I was going to a have a relationship longer with my kids when they were adults than when they were children.
When they were little, I could make them feel safe, happy secure. But as they grew into adults (I think it’s around age 22) they had to start depending on themselves to feel those feelings. That’s what adults do; they are responsible for their thoughts, their feelings, and their actions.
When we were a child we could get away of acting like a child; whining when we didn’t get to watch more TV; blaming our teacher for being mean to us; being mad at our parents because they would let us stay out late.
This is what a child does; they don’t take responsibility for their own feelings. They are always the victim and a victim always blames someone else or something else for their feelings.
An adult, on the other hand, takes responsibility for their emotions. They are responsible for choosing thoughts that cause them to feel the way they want to feel.
Most mothers aren’t even aware that they have the power to choose anyway they want to feel, just be choosing the thoughts that will cause them to feel the feeling they want to feel.
Easy to understand but harder to do. Most adults aren’t aware that they think over 50,000 thoughts a day….and every thought is one we have chosen to have. But like anything where there is an accumulation of it, they need to be managed. We routinely need to throw out the ones that are not useful to us.
Just like women and all their shoes. As much as we want to hang to on to all of them, we need to go through our shoe pile and get rid of the ones that are no longer useful to us. So it is with thoughts.
It’s our thoughts about what are adult children are doing or not doing that cause us to suffer; not what they are actually doing. Their actions have no power over us to make us feel a certain way…..unless we give all our power to them, which makes us the victim of feeling happy only when they do things that we feel make us happy.
The power to love your adult children is in you; not them. They cannot jump inside your body and make you happy. Happiness is a feeling; a feeling is a vibration inside your body which occurs when a thought you are having triggers some hormones to be released and causes some of your neurons to get excited.
It’s YOUR thoughts that cause feelings; not your children’s behaviors.
Part of becoming an adult is learning to be responsible for your own happiness and not thinking it’s how your children act that makes you happy.
The good news is, you can start becoming an emotional adult, rather an emotional child that blames everything outside himself, by taking responsibility for managing your thoughts.
First be aware of the thoughts you are having when you are feeling hurt.
Second, be curious as to why you are having this thought.
Third, try to see another perspective (choosing a new thought to think) about the situation.
When my child doesn’t respond to my texts, I could have a pity party, resulting in not feeling loved or appreciated or respected by that child; or I could be curious as to why he hasn't responded to my text, even be concerned that everything was ok. I could dwell on the fact that he has a busy life. I could even think that I’m glad he is having to be not weighed down with worrying about be. My best thought is,”I just love my him…I love me.”
Being an emotional adult means that I am responsible for all my feelings. I can no longer advocate that responsibility to my husband or my children.
My kids can be the circumstance that triggers me to have thoughts that cause me to have feelings, but as an adult I have the power to choose what thoughts are going to be useful to me; I have the power to chose thoughts that will cause me to feel love
When I choose to have loving thoughts I always feel love..... it is always an option to feel love….just choose loving thoughts.
And in case you didn’t know, love always wins.
It you’re DONE with being an emotional child where you always feel like the victim and want to know how to become an emotional responsible adult, hop on a call with me. I offer a free, 60 minute consult to get you started.
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