You want to connect with your adult children because it makes you feel happy, contented, love. That's why we do anything we do.....we just want to feel good.
A feeling is simply a vibration in our bodies. Our feelings are caused by our thoughts....not by our circumstances, which by the way, most of us grew believing that it was always the situation that was causing us to feel a certain way.
We exercise because it makes our bodies feel strong but the real reason we exercise is because our minds tell us that this is a good thing to be doing. The result is we get a little dopamine hit that feels good. Exercise alone, does not make us feel good: that feeling of accomplishment and fortitude of doing something that was hard to do. It is the thought, "I did it" that makes us feel good.
If we laugh when we hear a funny story it's because we are telling ourselves "this story is funny"; or we might even subconsciously be thinking, "not everything in this world has gone bad. It's not the story it self that makes us laugh, because someone could hear the same story and not think it was funny. If it was the story that made us laugh, then EVERYONE would think it was funny. It's our THOUGHTS about the story that causes us to laugh (FEEL happy).
When we are disappointed because our daughter didn't send us a birthday card, we're disappointed because of the story we made up in our head. We might be thinking, "if she loved me she would have sent me a birthday card; if I had been a more likable mom she would have sent me a birthday card". Another mom might be feeling content even though she didn't get a birthday card, because she might be thinking "I love my daughter even if she didn't send me a birthday card; I'm so happy that she manages her busy life so well." Same situation; two different thoughts; two different feelings.
When we went to Kenya, we took with us our "Lester's Legs" kite. The kite is in the shape of a pair of men's gym shorts which were attached with two legs with tennis shoes dangling from them. One day we arrived early at a chapel near Kitali for a Self Reliance training meeting. A young man had arrived early also. We invited him to fly our kite. As he did so, he had the biggest smile on his face and said, "this takes the stress out of life for a little while". It wasn't flying the kite that made him feel stress free but the thought "flying a kite makes me feel stress free for a little while".
The best news ever is that we have the power within us to choose what feelings we want to be feeling. The circumstance triggers thoughts about what were making the situation mean, which causes us to have feelings; vibrations inside of us that we like or don't like. If we don't like the feeling were having, then we need to change the thought.
Nothing outside of us has the power to jump inside our bodies and cause us to have a certain feeling. Only our brain has that power and we are the managers of our brains.
We can think whatever thoughts we want about the actions of our adult children. If we were to stop and ask ourselves every time we had a negative thought about them, "is this thought causing me to feel closer to my child, to feel love for him/her; to feel peaceful, or is it causing me to pull away and feel hurt, disappointed, or angry?" We are beginning to learn how to manage our feelings when we start to become aware of our thoughts. We can change the feeling by changing the thought. If we choose a loving thought, we will feel love. Love is always accompanied by feelings of peace, faith, and hope.
Always choose love because love feels the best of all the emotions there are available to feel. It is in your favor to do so, because LOVE ALWAYS WINS....just every time!
If this resonates with you, and you would like me to help you explore how it applies to you and your relationship with your adult children, email me. I offer a free 50 minute consult where I help you stop the suffering you are feeling.