Do you sometimes, or too often, skip the step of processing your feelings when your adult children have said things or done something that causes you to have thoughts that cause you to feel discomfort?
It’s necessary to understand that it’s your thoughts about your children’s behavior that’s causing your pain and not their behavior.
When you are hurting it’s because you are making their behavior mean something about you. You might make it mean you were not a good enough mother or maybe you deserve more respect. Maybe you are making it mean they don’t love you.
Maybe….but maybe not.
If we can change our thoughts, we change our feelings. Maybe he is just really tired; I’m curious why he would say or do something like that; I can choose to love him anyway.
But the important part, before we try to find a new thought, is to feel the pain we are feeling. If not, it can intensify and become a deeper pain than the original feeling and your discomfort will be even greater.
You will try to come up with thoughts that aren’t believable if you skip processing your feelings and go right to changing your thoughts.
Just sit and “dance” with the discomfort as long as necessary until it starts to fade away.
It might be grief that you are feeling when your adult children say and do things that cause you to feel unloved.
Get out of your head and into your body and just notice where in your body you are feeling this grief or pain.
Name it….grief, resentment, anger, unappreciated, or whatever.
Pay attention where inside your body you are feeling it; chest, head, neck, solar plexus, arms, legs.
Come up with as many adjectives as you can to describe it. Pretend you are describing to an alien what this feels and looks like inside your body.
Practice doing this for as long as necessary. There is no shame in feeling any feeling. For a moment it’s like a wave that comes crashing on the shore and then slowly washes back out to sea. Then you can start managing your mind by coming up with different perspectives and thoughts that will change how you feel about the situation.
Have grace for yourself that you are unnecessarily thinking thoughts about your adult child that may not be true. Start changing your feelings by choosing compassionate thoughts about him/her.
….because love always wins.
If you need help processing your unwanted feelings or changing your thoughts regarding the behavior of your adult children click the tab below to book a free 60-minute consult. I hope to hear from you soon.
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