YOU AS A "CIRCUMSTANCE" IN YOUR ADULT CHILDREN'S LIVES

Circumstances are neutral:  They are events, present or past; they are the words people say; they are the actions people do; they are everything that’s happening in the world around us. They are just the facts without any adjectives.

Circumstances are neutral because they don’t have the power to make us feel a certain way.

I know that to be true because if it was the situation that was causing us to be happy, we would all be happy in the exact situation. Everybody would have the same feeling when it is snowing.

It can be snowing, and some people are happy, and others are unhappy.  It’s their thoughts, or opinions, about it snowing that causes them to feel a certain way.

CHILD: “Yay! It’s snowing….let’s go sledding!”

MOM: “Darn! It’s snowing….I don’t want to take those kids sledding!”

So many women blame themselves for not having a close relationship with their adult children.

I guess that’s true, not because of any action they did or didn’t do, but because of their choosing to think that if they had done something differently, their adult children would love them more.  But that’s just a story they’re telling themselves.  

We all can have a close relationship with anyone we want just by choosing to have loving thoughts about a person.

I have a close relationship with Jesus Christ because I have very loving thoughts about Him. He never visits me and I’m never quite sure what he expects of me, but I choose to think He loves me because I believe I am doing my best and I hope this shows him I love Him.

Take that same sentence and replace the name Jesus Christ with one of your children’s names with whom you are feeling disconnected.  Is that believable to you?  How does that make you feel?  

To feel love without receiving love takes practice.  Practice thinking first, “I can love and connect with my children regardless of whether they accept it or reject it.”

What often comes up for moms is “I don’t know how to love and connect with them if they don’t reciprocate.”

You are a “circumstance “ in their lives.  You are a person that is a part of their world.  You cause them to have thoughts about you by them watching you and listening to you.

If circumstances trigger them to have opinions about you, you get to decide what kind of circumstance you want to be.  In other words, you get to decide how you want to show up to your children; how do want to act and speak that comes from a place of love for them?

What they think about your actions or words is their business, not yours.  They have the gift of agency to think anyway they want.

To show your children you love them can only be done from a place of love.  To get to that place of love, you have to accept their failures and the successes, and love them whole heartly.

Sometimes we show our children we love them by setting boundaries.  Showing love my be saying to them, “If you don’t apply for at least one job a day, I won’t let you live in our house.”

Sometimes we show our children we love them by acting and talking from a place of kindness, understanding, consideration, and curiosity.  

“I haven’t heard from you in a while.” 

“How was your week?”  

“I think of you often.”

 “How are you feeling about losing your job?”

“Do you think I should buy a new computer?”

“I’m curious how you got started taking drugs?  What does it feel like when you are on drugs?”

Your words are the “circumstance” to your child.  He/she interprets those words however he chooses.

Your words are also the “circumstance” to you.  You put meaning into it however you choose.

If your thoughts about what you said cause you to feel love, then you have learned to “love on purpose”. Loving, kind, considerate, curious thoughts cause you to feel love.

What we want to learn is to manage the type of circumstance we want to be to our children.  If you say something kind to your adult son, i.e. “I like your girlfriend.”, it’s his choice how that statement makes him feel.

If he feels approved, he might be thinking, “I’m glad my mom likes her.”

If he feels offended, he might be thinking, “So she didn’t like my last girlfriend?”

But the only opinion that matters is the opinion you have about yourself.  I was kind and considerate in my word and my deed.

Brooke Castillo said “The more strongly I opinionate about myself in a positive way, the more people follow my lead.  It’s almost like you show them how to think about you.”  

Behave as loving as you can love.  Your children will either choose to accept it or reject it, but either way, you showed up as a mom that loves them like crazy.

When you learn to mange your brain in a way that causes your thoughts to default to loving thoughts about anyone, you will always feel love.  Nobody else can give you this feeling; it is the gift you give yourself.

It is a gift because of all the feelings available to feel, love always is an option and it always feels the best.

When you feel love, you behave in a way love behaves; your result is love wins, and that means you have won the struggle over needing your children to behave a certain for you to feel loved.

Because love wins, you win….because is always available and always the best option.

If you want to learn how to opt to choose love more often, others and yourself, I’m here to help.  That’s what I do; I help people to learn how to love on purpose.  I use a marvelous tool created by Brooke Castillo called the Model.  It’s easy to use and can help solve any problem.

Click the tab below to book a free 60-minute consult.  Let’s get started.  I look forward to hearing from you.

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