MY DAUGHTER IS PREGNANT; MY DAUGHTER IS UNMARRIED

I can remember exactly where I was standing, in front of my outside freezer, as a thought came into my mind, “This is exactly what needed to happen for my daughter to be saved from a destructive marriage.”

That occurred several months after our daughter told us she was pregnant.  She was 19, unmarried, attending college.

We imagined such great happneings in our children’s lives; this kind of news wasn’t what we were expecting.

It was Thanksgiving Eve.  An ice storm had hit Spokane causing us to lose our electricity.  

Another one of our daughter’s called us to us that her sister had something to tell us and that she was going to need a lot of love.  

With the only light coming from a Coleman lantern in the living room, our daughter and her boyfriend told us the new that our daughter was pregnant.  We listened.  My daughter wanted to get married; to her astonishment, the young man expressed he wasn’t ready to get married, much less become a father.

My wise husband told them that they had two sets of supportive parents and they would get through this whatever they decided to do.

Thankfully, abortion was never an option.

Thanksgiving came and went.  By Friday, my daughter had not heard from her boyfriend.

At this point my husband read the letter sent out by the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints, 1994, about their stance on children being born to unwed mothers: [As of today’s date I have been unable to find a different stance held by the Church.  I welcome any clarification]

“When the unwed parents are unable or unwilling to marry, they should be encouraged to place the child for adoption….Unwed parents who do not marry should not be counseled to keep the infant as a condition of repentance or out of obligation to care for one’s own….When deciding to place the baby for adoption, the best interest of the child should be the paramount consideration.”

We told our daughter that if she kept her baby, there was a 50/50 chance he/she would be sealed to parents;

If she placed her baby for adoption there was a 99% chance everything would work out in the best interest for the child if he was placed in a home of good members of our Church, where he would have the opportunity to be sealed to them and raised by both a mother and a father. 

Getting little support from her boyfriend, she chose to place the baby for adoption.  

Things got complicated when she found out several weeks later that she was carrying twins, in a compromised situation in her womb and there were some serious anomalies with one of the babies.

I remember telling her if there ever was a time I wanted to change places with her, it was now.  Her response, “I’m tougher than you think, mom.”

It was one of the toughest times of my life and one of the most spiritual.  Growth always accompanies embracing hard things.  One of the hardest of my life; one of the most growth.

Lot’s of mom’s with daughters have come to me seeking comfort and solace.  This is what I tell them I learned:

  1.  This isn’t about you and what you want; it’s all about your daughter and what she wants.   Put your wants aside, in favor of your daughter’s needs.
  2. You may think you know best, can see the consequences clearer, or better able to see the right choice, but you’re wrong.
  3. It is not your right or responsibility to adopt your daughter’s child.  
  4. You have no claim on this child just because you are a blood relative.
  5. Love and support your daughter with everything you emotionally have to give.  This will allow her to hear the spirit and make the correct decision.
  6. Buy her pretty maternity clothes.  Treat her like a queen.
  7. Have your prayers be prayers of gratitude; not necessarily for the circumstance but for everything that is good in your life.
  8. Rejoice that a new baby is coming into the world.
  9. Believe hard that there is a God watching over you and your daughter. 

The only way we came out on top was because there was an abundance of love in our family.

Love always wins; we always have the option to choose love in any situation.

I help women connect better with their adult children.  I help women choose love on purpose.  If you are struggling with anything in your relationship with your children, I can help you learn a formula that solves any problem.  I would be honored to teach it to you.

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